if you want to know yourself, try solitude

i just realized that living a life of seclusion is also good, but just not the extremes, you can discover lots of stuff about yourself when you withdraw yourself from other people. there'd be no judgements, influences and whatever.

and you could do so much stuff that you can't do when your with people who'll nag you about it. kinda bummed that i can't find a something to download. ive been waiting for incubus' alive at red rocks on azureus since this afternoon to finish its downloading. its 1.36GB, and 8 hours left to 100%.

the reason is that im currently into may 'new' thing right now, the solitude part, stupid, is that she went to manila for her vacation and ive got this cool webdev job and im working at home! its four hours a day and its more than enough to pay bills. -- which is a good thing because going to bacolod is like a 'much-anticipated' event. lol. which reminds me i have to go there tomorrow for the required caffeine overload session with friends.

oh please comment. hehe at least ive got to know there's some bloke whose actually reading my blog.

long live crass commericalism!!

stumbled this upon my school's website. maybe this is the institution's response to those students who are fond of making cuts to their tuition payment, i wouldnt deny, i once did that too, much to the wrath of my mother.. but the whole point is this, why does la salle have to include the logo of globe g-cash prominently? and actually make a banner ad for that? why not have an alternative for smart users? (by the way, i use a globe sim). and why doest la salle develop a home-brewed sms-based payment system rather than rely on these marketing ploys by telecom companies? and also, lasalle has smart's wireless laboratory man, but why globe? maybe since globe is more elite than smart (pang masa ang smart eh). that's why they opted to use globe g-cash? basta this looks ugly on the website, its unconciously saying that education in la salle is becoming more and more of a negosyo. and man, i doubt if globe g-cash is pays la salle for the banner ad in the website.

read on! spent 2 hours writing this one!

After night swimming with friends, spent the most of last night with a pile of DVDs and the computer.

Insert. Play. Skip. Eject.

Basically repeated this for about 10 DVDs...I know - that's nothing compared to what most people have but it WAS a tiresome effort at the most. I was checking through my entire DVD collection to see which ones I could play on the computer (using VLC) and I found out that all the "copies" could play...whilst all the "reals" COULDN'T......grr....annoying but thankfully I have very few "reals" besides my-much-loved-boxsets. Hmph! I get this message:

TheTV Out port of your display card is not working properly.

Maybe I'm technically challenged but I don't understand what that means...is it just that the DVDs won't play? Or am I doing something wrong? I tried googling the message which came up with suggestions on how to fix it....that I pretty much didn't understand besides the word FORMAT which kinda freaked me out... VLC supposed to be the most advanced player -- any format could be played through this player.

Besides that I'm pretty happy...So I installed PowerDVD... and I finally downloaded a DVD ripper so I can start ripping clips off the movies I have...starting to develop and interest in vidding. And I worked out that there's a Capture function on PowerDVD (ha...I'm slow) so I'll soon be screencapturing like crazy from now on.

I'm starting to feel really restless at home. I haven't opened up Photoshop since my IME graphics project was due back in early September (except that certain thesis design for a friend). It's been like a WHOLE MONTH...hopefully I haven't forgotten how to 'wield' the application over this time. But I guess I just don't feel like conjuring up graphics much these days....time consuming and feeling unchallenged/uninterested. And I guess there's also that certain fear whenever I draw...that my graphics will turn out looking like complete crap - which is discouraging. So I'm dealing by avoiding it right now. Plus photoshop and vidding has taken up a lot of my time recently....but I PROMISE I'll do some wallpapers soon. Absolutely! Just gotta find SOMETHING to draw first...

Can't wait til the end of the year - this TIME, my issues will hopefully be eliminated. I have a list of things I will do after the 2005 when I'll hopefully finally have the time for:

- Draw a ton of portraits (fanart and people I know)....maybe a self portrait one day.

- Learn to play the guitar again...so those 5 years of lessons will not go to waste.

- Still have a job. Ill be starting a graphics job from biko technologies tomorrow. 4hours/day.

- Dedicate more time to my much neglected sites...in need of major revampage.

- Download more DivX movies.

- Get a sport.

I've been blogging for about 3 months now. On and Off.

I'm starting to wonder - do people actually read over the old entries of their journals/blogs? Or is the purpose of the journal just to write down your thoughts - to vent...not really to store memories or anything? Do I read over old entries? No...not purposely - sometimes I'll go back to look for something and I'll start reading because something catches my eye. But other than that - the past is pretty much the past for me. Maybe one day when I'm old and nostalgic - I'll actually read over everything I've read....

I never thought having a journal (even an online public one) would be so theraputic. It's surprising - how much of a relief just writing stuff down can be...helps me think about things and laugh about others. Things that are upsetting or sad that I write about - I can just type away for an hour or so....and then DELETE it. Then it's "gone" in a certain sense. Exorcism!

Does having it public make me hold back? Yes. Usually I can vague it up quite a bit and talk about it in a universal sense. I have to say my entries are usually upbeat and happy. There's a few entries which are stressed and VERY few where I am just downright depressed. I have to say though - sometimes writing about sad things just makes you sadder! It's not like they say - that when you talk to others about your problems, you'll feel better. That's not true in all situations...sometimes things are better left buried away in your subconscious - because it's when you start writing/talking about it that you start to THINK about it - start to OVERANALYZE everything about it...which basically makes you even more sad/worried than you were before.

In that case all I can say is: Let's dig a hole, bury it deep back inside and just MOVE ON.

I wonder how long all of this will last. Maybe one day the Internet [or blogger.com and google.com's clustered servers in particular] will just crash and everything will be lost. All these entries will be deleted. Or maybe one day I'll just stop updating...and this will be forgotten like the millions of deserted sites/blogs out there. I wonder how many of those deserted blogs were just forgotten...and how many of those, the writers have actually died. I know this is getting morbid but it's really making me wonder. I mean - how long has blogging been around? Of those deserted blogs floating around in space....how many are the last thoughts of the person?

It's like finding someone's journal where they're writing about the greatest thing and then suddenly you turn the page and there's NOTHING.

What happened? Why did they stop writing? These are the things which claw away at our curiousity. And will anyone ever know? If the story ended RIGHT here, RIGHT now....would you wonder? Would you care? Or would this just be another forgotten, deserted part of the world? You'll just ASSUME I lost interest in blogging...that I gave up and went onto something else, new and shiny.

I don't care.

I need some closure. If this ever dies - trust me, I'll TELL you. I'll write in size 72 font: THIS BLOG IS CLOSED. There will be no vague hiatus or BRBs that last over two years. It will be a farewell that pretty much says - thanks for the times but I'm leaving and so should you.

Of couse, in the event of an unexpected death - I give permission for someone to hack into my account and just write one closing post: THIS BLOGGER IS DEAD. FAREWELL. Then this blog can rest in peace.

typical-bacolod-blogger-esque post

just had the real celebration of our successful defense yesterday + shereen's birthday celebration at krua thai and later in the afternoon, at dunkin's silay. shereen and his brother spent spent the rest of the sleepy sunday afternoon at my room and watched finding nemo. haha first post with personal pix! and no, im not gonna turn into those blogs with food pix...haha bato2x sa langit!

[clockwise: muddy, she, me, vany, leo at krua thai]
[dunkin's silay]
[silay city park]

finally done!

back to experimentation and stuff and normal life! thesis is finally finished. after 3 months of working, now it was consummated. i have a little adjusting to be done because im not used to not doing anything anymore. have to make up with friends, all those wala-ko-kadayon-kay-sako-sa-thesis is no more. oh great the feeling is! hahaha just got wind of the news that the unanimous nomination of the 3 panelists -- trespi, BSCS dean, rodney, jrs systems admin and sonny boy taleon, lasalle csl admin -- made history as being the first thesis project that got nominated by the 3 panelists, usually its either 2-panelists out of 3 who'll gonna nominate a group..etc... bragging rights lang ah...

trip sa memory lane

it was a blast seeing old friends last night for our traditional booze session last night since it was talisay city's minuluan festival. as usual, same venue, at carmela at one of our friend's house. after year's of non-existence, there was arman, who is a batch ahead of us in highschool, thing is, he's anthony's office mate at honda cars -- and that's why we found him; nonoy jay-r, our batch's secret weapon -- last year's petron art contest awardee for his sculpture -- 2nd year at arfien. nilo -- kicked out on our second year at highschool -- but now a PRC board passer for education; and of course, the host, hapon -- engineer. and me -- undergraduate. the whole time was spent recalling our (mis)adventures -- nilo stealing the vulcaseal to cover his rugby doze, talking about the babes in highschool, those classmates na may bata na. puta no, dugay na ta gali nag alamiguhay. pila na? 11 years? damo ta na agyan. tawa lang gd last night, panuya, dayun, tapos ang sa kay mary ann na nobyo na dako2x lawas na gin-pangalanan ta na johnny bravo. pero hugot kuno gyapon c mary ann? michelle aldana to ya ang dyamoks daan sang hayskul ta!
3:00 am -- went to a friend's kiosk near the talisay plaza. booooooooze! dala ang dinuguan na sumsuman ah.. part c jang2x man to hu? hahaha jan michael coronica - guitar prodigy, bebong morales (c wesley ka ya gyapon ah!) - slayeeeeer!, randy conman -- puga ga tukar kamo ya gyapon ya no?? kag nag intra kamo ya sa battle!! next week pa balaring ta!!
remember this?? http://www.geocities.com/barkadashit

left to right:
ting2x: manila na
hapon: ari d gyapon. ara kami sa balay nila
toi: manila na man
jay-r: ara sa sugar valley
ako: lasal gyapon
jang2x: ga tukar gyapon
maxcel: ato sa cebu

down to 13 days

we're the 5th group in our presentation. im in the process of making the administration modules. its the first time that i felt that im gonna beat the deadline. (ive set it to be this saturday) had this nifty javascript+css hack. spent 2 days of my life trying to get it to work. its still buggy though. i dont know why it crashes at a certain line in the script especially when i get to set the script to display >4 rows, it returns something like memory failure. but the report works so far, its like looking at a ms explorer interface. or an excel spreadsheet with movable columns for data and all. demo.
went on a drinking spree last night with friends at bodega [warehouse kuno kung sa mga feeling classy kag pa sosyal na naga kadto to..] and later, to draft. playing was jasper and his band, called barbie na doll. they play purely OPM covers and sometimes craftily interjects it with parts from foriegn songs.. mayonnaise's jopay then mixed with simple plan's perfect then bob marley's stir it up and then back to jopay. the band's funny without being corny. barbie almabis was also there too, i dont know what's she's doing here at bacolod.. "barbie with barbie na doll"..hahaha she played only one song: 'the dance' -- which is what ronnie and i requested. got home around three. feeling psyched to continue the work again.

why morning coffee is the best

everyday for the past 2 years, i wake up and go to jaja's and have my first doze of caffeine. that more or less within an hour after i get up from my bed and go back refreshed and psyched up after that. the coffee costs only Php 5.00 and can rival the one served at bacolod's top coffee shops. only one shop can match jaja's flavor: burgos street's la corona.. but that's another story. at jaja, its there where i usually get to plan out my day's activities. have some deep thinking. going there is like routine for me. most of the waitresses know what to serve me: 1 'laban' -- thats how they call the mocha-like coffee and 2 sticks of marlboro. i stumbled upon this article that says that coffee could be a health drink. wow. great. well, study showed the same about alcohol. but it doesn't mean getting drunk every day is a healthy thing to do, as is maintaining a caffeïne addiction. moderation in things is key i believe. i just know that quitting the whole coffee-addiction had benefits for me personally. try going to cafe bob's, bo's cafe..the current craze of coffee in bacolod has coffee-drinking purists blurt out: people perceive coffee drinking as socializing. drinking coffee would be like another night out at some exclusive bars. its like youre 'in' if youre drinking coffee. tsk tsk tsk. posers.

sql lesson

i havent got to get ultra-edit working. i dont know what happened, it was working this afternoon but now, hours later, i wouldnt go beyond the starting dialog box of the application. tried moving the folder into a different drive, un-installing + reinstalling... it just wouldnt work! m$ must have figured out how to delay my project again. so im going back to allaire homesite, my ex-text editor..anyway, have this sql query on my shipping module:

SELECT * FROM transactions_temp
INNER JOIN users
ON transactions_temp.userid = users.userid
INNER JOIN locations
ON transactions_temp.locationid = locations.locationid
INNER JOIN services
ON transactions_temp.serviceid = services.serviceid
INNER JOIN packages
ON transactions_temp.send_packageid = packages.packageid
INNER JOIN rates
ON transactions_temp.send_packageid = rates.packageid
ORDER BY trans_tempid DESC LIMIT 1

when i had created the database schema, i had two identical tables, transactions and transactions_temp, whom i added without thinking., days later i was wondering why i inserted all the shipment data into transactions_temp and not to the transactions window? why did i create two identical tables? i guess by now its all clear because, ill be using ONLY the transactions_temp table for the shipment, all the data will be passed there temporarily, and after the user clicks 'DONE', all the data will be duplicated into the transactions table, and the row in the temporary table will be deleted. it has something to do with that sql query. because when i typed directly the url, ...user_home.php?print_label, it shows the query result of the last entry in the temp table. that disaster could be solved by copying the row from transactions_temp table into the transactions table. it would show up as null. first its a workaround, second it would be more secure. only at the last part of the shipping module, the transactions table would be used, as opposed to transactions_temp.. and the latter gets cleaned up after every successful display of the package label.

having coffee at this early morning. will be going downstairs for a smoke. (mom's here with me)

labels are up!

used gd instead of fpdf. with regards to some issues regarding the printing, solved it using css, no need for links from the page for printer friendly pages. so it printed. the package label, complete with barcodes. its just waiting for the package in which to be stuck into. next problem: have to update the costing that the package will be needing a thermal printer since its the best printer for printing documents with barcodes.

problem: home-based users dont have a thermal printer, to think most of them dont have a laser printer or something costly printer. me included.
solution: users, have to make the label online, if they have a thermal printer, they can have it printed into a laser paper, but if they dont have, they can have it printed into their nearest jrs store when they get to send their package. problem solved? i dont know. maybe.

under the same rain...

You're back to catching raindrops again. To each one a name, and there is one you are dying to find, but how? For each one is a possibility, a chance dividing infinitely in all directions every second.
Running barefoot, it doesn't matter, nobody can see you. Cry, only to find out it won't matter, either, the rain will drown your tears anyway. Release your pain in one solid cry and it won't matter still, the wind will only eat up your screams. Run barefoot and it won't matter at all – your soul is on its knees.

Run for cover and light a cigarette – now that's refuge. You can rest for a few minutes before you start running alone again.

But I have been here all these times.

This shouldn't have been your life, if only you allowed me to hold you one last time.

To each one a name, each one a possibility, another chance, but you cannot see that, never. For I have been always a few steps behind, following, dying with you every step of the way. If only you'd look back.

******

I'm back to catching raindrops again. To each one a name, but your name I can't seem to find. How could I? You are just a name, a face, a single drop among all others, and the possibility divides infinitely in every direction, every second.

I run barefoot, but it doesn't matter, for nobody can see me. I cry only to find out I cry alone, and it won't matter if the sky will cry with me; it can only cry this much, never enough to comfort me. I shout in pain and it won't matter even, because I can't hear myself as the wind carries away my voice almost instantly. And the cold it brings I can't even feel, for I am colder inside. I run alone, because there is no reason to stay in one place. It is raining.

But... have you been there all these times?

This shouldn't have been my life, chasing raindrops forever, if only you tried to hold on to me tighter, even for that one last time...

Chasing raindrops, to each a name, a chance, so elusive I can never find it. I can never see you. I am as blind as my heart, and being blind I can only face forward, forever forward, no sense looking back. Have you always been a few steps behind, following? I cannot know it, never. If only you'd reach for me and call my name.

a shaded eye but you uncovered my view.
a drowning soul and you put me back to shore.
a scathed being healing in your hands.
weakened but gaining strength in you.

***

hey, i used to like hoobastank too. back in the days of crawling in the dark and running away. haha. these days i’d rather listen to hendrix, pinikpikan, or kapatid. and i prefer kapatid over bamboo, though they have the same guitarist and bassist: ira cruz and nathan azarcon. and their songs make me so sad, since i remember chico, the other guitarist, who just passed away.

this is for the band who made me believe in our own music again.
and to chico, the guy who made good music with the band.

kapatid's the prayer

if i ever see you face to face again
i’d ask you why, so soon
and in your grand debut from death, reborn again
for life i pray

i hate to see you haunting
or in your private hell
i hope you make it
this prayer’s for you
this prayer’s for you.

oh wax and wicker, that burn throughout the night
the light you shine, makes me smile
you are the candle, that turns the darkness back
extinguished fire

i hate to see you haunting
or in your private hell
i hope you make it
this prayer's for you
this prayer's for you.

***

i dont understand how people can talk on the phone for hours. one of my close guy friends bragged that he once spoke to this hot chick for thirteen hours straight. and i was like, 'yuga mo eh... what do you talk about? your life from pre-school to college?' i can comprehend one hour of teasing someone, maybe three hours of fighting with your girlfriend or soon to be ex, but thirteen hours on the bloody telephone? this girl musta been talking about sex every hour on the hour. that's the only possible scenario I can imagine.

---

marvel ink-drawn chicks are hot. an ongoing question thats been bugging me for the last 2 hours is… am i the only one who gets turned on by looking at emma frost and rouge? i feel a little guilty about this sometimes but what can i do, hormones are hormones.

i am the 'i' in the small letter 'i'

i don't know who to blame but because i'm tired of blaming myself, i chose to point in another direction--away from me. i blame my parents for being me--afraid of expressing what i feel when the circumstance is there. i grew up knowing that brave people never cry in public. i grew up knowing that crying is a sign of defeat of weakness…of being a failure. and because of this, i never really appreciated the meaning of 'feeling and showing for others'. and i hate myself for being so.

i thought pretending not to feel anything is the safest defense mode in the world.

i was wrong. i feel shit inside.

am i that stellar?

it occurred to me again, this time in the middle of procrastinating against studying for a quiz in my major subject tomorrow. i kept you safe within the remote areas of my consciousness, but suddenly, as if driven by an unknown force, your memory unearths itself, returning some sort of unfinished business. consequently, i pause from studying and i start thinking about you. [as always eh... dapansit...]

and it always left me a touch of sadness.

as far as i was concerned, i made it a point not to think about you anymore, at least not that often as i used to, in the form of preoccupation. there’s a lot of projects to do, friends to spend time and energy with, family affairs, webdesign.. . there’s even a new object of affection in the rough. works for the most part, i should say. within the confines of my room with bunch of reader's digests before me, there is forgetting.

just like the manner by which ice cubes freeze bacteria within their crystal networks. as long as they remain frozen, everything’s safe. there is no need to worry.

but somehow, you still manage to permeate my system, as if it were an expertise or a tediously-learned skill. moment by moment, you profusely enter my mind, filling my awareness with lost memories of once-upon-a-times and whatnots. Remembrances of nightly walks, lunch outs, text messages others. of yesterday’s seemingly unbreakable promises and proclamations of forever.

i should’ve put into mind what an old friend once wrote, ‘forever is not real’.

i have always yearned to understand what had happened between us. us won’t even suffice: it was never a real relationship to begin with. we just hung out and talked and spent time together more often than we did with our other friends and colleagues. sometimes it pained me that i could not do anything in my power to make you speak about us. certainly, the ambiguity was present, the ambiguity which you never wanted to clarify.

i could only let you go on with whatever it was that you desired, whether it be ranting about your insecurities, rejoicing over happier news or lamenting about your eventful past. on the other side, i remained silent in the middle of your hyped-up emotion. i was like a child with beaming eyes, eager to hear more stories of how you came about to be the person that you are. for you once told me that listening to you gave you strength to go on, and so i did. i have always wanted you to be okay.

yet when it was my turn to be heard, the silence was a void. i suspended my disbelief when i convinced myself that you always meant well, whenever you apologized for there was nothing you can do about my bouts of depression, or when you simplify things by saying that everything will be alright. i know i should not expect things from other people; perhaps i was at fault when i wanted more from you when you can only give so little.

and just like that, you vanished, very much like a soap bubble floating across air. i have watched you in complete awe, wonder and even fascination. and similar to any ethereal fleeting moment, you were gone, leaving me clueless as to whether you even existed in the first place.

so maybe what we had was love. maybe i loved you, and i hope to heavens that you loved me back: even just for a split second when we held hands, or during that moment when i looked into your eyes, or the time when I laughed at one of your silly quirks. id be content with that idea, id be content that in the course of our friendship, there was a moment of mutuality; even if it was so quick i never noticed it all.

perhaps i still do love you, but that wont do much now. i can fight to save everything that ive invested, but i chose not to. i have treasured you in the past, and that will be enough. right now, all i can do is wish you well in all your endeavors, including the pursuit for the one who is right for you. when you find him, i wish he makes you happy. you make him happy as well.

the end is only a beginning disguised as a parting. i will still think about you every now and then, probably be sad once in a while, but you need not to worry. for i am okay and i will be okay under all circumstances. it may take time for me to love again, but in the long run, it will be all worth it. i may still risk myself, but every risk in its own respect is worth taking anyway. love is such a convoluted mixture of emotions and decisions that it’s a matter of working your way through it.

thank you for gracing my life like a whirlwind, leaving me breathless and hurt, inspired and furious, affectionate and listless. uve taught me quite a lot and i learned them in the most humbling manner. thank you for showing me what it means to be human, to commit mistakes, and to discover how to regain yourself after everything that had happened.

like what i always say, ad astra per aspera. a rough road leads to the stars. im on my way to becoming stellar.

strangers again

Everything seems the same. And yet nothing really was. For when I look at her now, it’s only her I see.
Unlike before, when I look at her, I see it all --- the dreams behind the smile, the thoughts that bring out the laughter, the memories that prompts her to gesture.

She’s become a stranger. More a stranger than when I first met her.

There she stands, my best friend. But she’s not mine anymore.

Why do I love her?

Tough question. I don't even know how or where to begin. I'm not sure if I could possibly find the right words to express what or how much I feel for her, let alone explain why I love her. I don't believe the English language has all the words I would need.

Why do I love her?

I guess I just do. I love her just because. I love her just because that's the most natural and possible thing to do.

I love her.

I love her because she's the most incredible, wonderful, amazing and fantastic woman I have ever known in my entire life. I love her because she's sweet, charming, smart, witty, and has a great sense of humor. I love her because she's so cool she's hot.
I love her because she makes me smile. I love her because she makes me laugh. I love her because she makes me happy. I love her because she's the one and only girl who has ever made it through my wall and seen right through my mask. I love her because she accepts the real me, imperfections and all, and still appreciates me for who I am.

I love her for being my friend. I love her because I could be whatever I want to be in front of her. I love her because we could talk about anything and everything under the sun.
I love her because I feel safe when I am with her. I love her because we are comfortable with each other. I love her for giving me a helping hand when I had to pick myself up, but couldn't. I love her for offering her shoulder for me to lean on to when I had to be strong, but wasn't.

I love her for telling me not to drink too much alcohol, then pretending to be mad at me when I did drink too much. I love her for telling me not to stay up too late at night because it wasn't good for my health. I love her for texting and sending me sweet and mushy messages. I love her for those times when she would text me just when I was thinking of calling or texting her, when I was feeling down, or when I was missing her, like she has gone psychic all of a sudden.

I love her for the kilig moments we had. I love her for always making me feel better, about myself and life in general. I love her for making me feel special. I love her for making me feel loved. But most of all, I love her for making me feel. I love her for making me realize that I am capable of feeling this way and this much for someone. I love her for making me feel alive.
So, why do I love her?

I love her because she's all of these and more. So much more. I love her because she's everything. She's everything...

-ber

i'm hearing christmas songs. and this pathetic interpretation of the names of the months ending with -ber is the sole culprit.

correct me if i'm wrong but i think the reason why september to december ends with -ber is because the old calendar had ten months and sept-, oct-, nov-, and dec- are numerical prefixes preceding the latin word for month which sounds like "ber." but because a certain idiot fucked up the calendar by making it a 12-month year and naming the first two-thirds after roman gods and rulers, the calendar ended up having 4 months ending with -ber. and i'm quite sure, it's not because that crazy monk who re-arranged the calendar (baskog ka trip ya ba!) thought that christmas season should start this early.

i don't wanna sound here like the grinch but man, i think it's bullshit for prices to begin rise just because it's now a month ending with -ber. and you have all those ghosts and monsters on november and i can't seem to figure out how this -ber season works. is the christmas season suspended during halloween? i mean, you can't have santa claus and jack the ripper dancing together. they're just so incompatible. or that flying sleigh alongside that old lady on a broom (unless you're italian. i think they have a witch called la befana instead of santa claus). and you have all those stars and balls in one shelf and some ugly pumpkin and skeletal system in the other.you now have this 100-day countdown and duh, some jose mari chan christmas hits in the airwaves.

and this country, fooled by some enterprising moron who wanted to open shop early.

Secret Admirer

Your classmate- let’s call her Lady Jock, since she’s so into sports- walks you to your car. You both animatedly discuss different ways of killing Ma’am P’s dog. ‘How ‘bout feeding it poison while Ma’am’s scribbling something on the board?’ You were in themiddle of suggesting, when you spot Tanya, your bestfriend, as she excitedly runs towards you.

‘Nicole! Come here! Hurry!’ She drags you to the direction of your car.

‘Reaaaallllly cuuuute huh?’ she gushes.

You stare in surprise at the long-stemmed pink rose carefully threaded into the windshield wiper. You exhale a breathless ‘oh’, all the while turning around, hoping against hope that you would catch a glimpse of whoever had placed it there.

‘My best fwend’s got herself an admirer!’ Tanya gleefully declares.

Lady Jock, (er, let’s call her LJ instead) merely nudges you in the ribs, grinning.

‘Way to go Cole,’ She playfully quirks an eyebrow.

‘Hrmmm.’ You’re still looking around you, thoughtfully nitpicking your brain for possible candidates.

‘Brian? Nah, can’t be… he’s not the type. As forRamon… hell, no way…’ You furrow your brow while brainstorming.

And then you see him.

You’ve had your eye on him ever since you’ve been pitted against each other in a casual classroom debate. Tagged as one of the campus’s best debaters,he had looked you over and dismissed you with an airy grin. Naturally you got all infuriated. Naturally you vowed to win. And win you did.

You can’t get over how adorable he looked when he flashed you that dimple as he gracefully accepted defeat. And being not of the demure, faint-hearted mold, you showed him your dimple in return.

‘He’s now an official Super Crush.’ You had announced to Tanya.

And now here he is, smiling unabashedly at you, his long legs bringing him closer with every stride.

‘An admirer eh?' His eyes tease you as they peep between the strands of hair hanging over his forehead.

You shrug. ‘Maybe he got the wrong car.’

He raises an eyebrow. ‘No chance of that. I bet he’ll give you another flower or something. Just you wait.’He waggles a finger at you, then walks away.

True enough, little notes and more roses found their way to your car. One time, in the middle of a lecture, you went out of the classroom and wandered outside to smoke. When you got back, a sheet of pochacco stickers was clipped between the pages of your notebook. You look around in amazement. You catch SC’s eyes, and hepositively twinkles at you. You look down, absentmindedly unsticking a badminton-playing pochacco from the glossy sheet. LJ, who sits right beside you,whispers, ‘How cute.’ You turn to her. ‘Did you see who had placed this inside my notes?’ She looks puzzled. ‘Nah,’ She shakes her head. ‘ I went out too. Call of nature.’ She taps her pack of Marlboros.‘Looked for you pa gani.'

Sportsfest came and went, and your academic group emerged as the champion. There are the usual love notes during the victory party. You are carefully balancing a food-laden Styrofoam container on your knees, when you hear one of the emcees say your name.

'Ooh, how ‘bout this one? For Nicolette, you look likea porcelain Chinese doll. You’re simply adorable. Can we talk later?’ Jill purses her lips, pretending to be scandalized, and the room erupts with guffaws and‘uuuuuuuuyys’. You look around for SC, and when you finally do spot him, you see him giving you the thumbsup sign, while mouthing what looks like ‘way to go!’.

You sidle up to SC, and proceed to spend the rest of the night with him. With all the noise and wild partying going on around you, nobody notices that you two are on the verge of making out.

'Aren’t you with someone?’ You ask him coyly, your lips grazing his ear. ‘I’m with you.’ His hands are stealthily snaking to your butt. You try to shake him out of his drunken daze. ‘Don’t you have a girlfriend?’

‘No.’ Your ears are sore from all his nibbling.

'Well, do you at least like someone then?’ You plaintively fish, hoping that he would finally admit to being… well, your secret admirer.

‘Hmm. Curiosity kills the cat. Here kitty kitty.'

Ugh. You push him away. You watch him teeter for a moment, then laughingly collapse into the arms of the group huddling right beside you.

So this is his idea of romantic talk! You spot LJ shuffling towards you, and you vent your frustration out at her. ‘Why can’t he just admit it?! All I wantis to hear it from his own lips! WHY CAN’T HE JUSTFREAKING TELL ME?! Haaaay… it’ll be so much easier that way.’ You shake your head resignedly.

‘Um, Cole,’

‘What?’ You puff on your cigarette, still steaming inside. You look at LJ’s bowed head as she fidgets, her hands clasping then unclasping. When will this girl ever learn to relax, you wonder. She’s always so nervous… now especially. even with the chill in the air, her upper lip is dotted with small beads of sweat. You stare at her fingers in fascination as they proceeded to wring each other.

'Uh, Cole?’ there goes that hesitant tone again.

'Hmmm?'

‘Um, see, he wasn’t the one who sent those notes and roses…’

You look up, and this time, your eyes meet hers. You have never seen a gaze filled with such longing, with such hunger.

‘We can’t talk with all these people around us.’ She mutters. ‘Wanna go somewhere more private?’ She looks at your mouth, then licks her lips.

You feel as if your dainty toes have taken root. Oh god, please no

i missed you

i missed you today.
i missed your smile.
i missed your eyes.
i missed your face.
i missed your voice .
i missed your presence the whole day

i never knew how much i missed
seeing you even for a while
or hearing your voice
or just having you around
knowing that you're near me,
until today.

not seeing you for a while kept me at my feet,
but later, i didn't have the energy to move.
it felt like something was missing
and that was you.
actually, it's more like empty
coz you fill such a big space
in my heart and my whole being
that your absence made my sadness echo inside of me.

i don't know where you were
or what you did.
i just know that i missed you.
but then again,
became to realize
that missing you for a day
is better than missing you for a lifetime.
for having met you
saved me from such a big loss,
not knowing how much i'm missing.
i bet it would be like
living in a vacuum
without even realizing.