23

I have a song by The Cure stuck in my head... *shudder*

"But it's much too late" you say
"For doing this now
We should have done it then"
Well it just goes to show
How wrong you can be
And how you really should know
That it's never too late
To get up and go...

flock testing...

this post was made through flock.

its a wonderful life

i have been so busy with school over the last few months, i hadn't really had the time to stop and appreciate everything that was going on around me.

as i am nearing the end of my undergraduate degree, hey, im gonna graduate next october!!! ive been thinking alot about the future and also success. i think that one of the keys to a bright future is to balance personal success with generosity.

i read some work by max weber the other day that struck me as odd. he wrote about how capitalism came about through the religion of protestantism. the prostestants' believed that any man who was successful was so because God had smiled down upon him.

"success is the noblest gift of heaven" - euripides

with his wealth however came a responsibility not to spend that wealth on himself, but to give it away. buying luxeries for oneself was not what God had intended when bestowing wealth upon someone. so the wealthy decided to take the money earned and give some away to others, and take the rest and invest it back into their company. this was the roots of capitalism. so capitalism was built not upon greed, but generosity. This is far from what we know capitalism to be today.

i think much can be taken from this. while i don't agree that wealth should not be spent on the person who makes it, i do think that we should balance what we spend on ourselves, and what we give to others. i think it is ok to buy yourself the things you like to make you happy. in my case, im getting a new PC this christmas for myself. people work hard for their money, and deserve the luxuries it brings. but they should also do their part in helping others, because they have been blessed with everything given to them. each of us has the responsibility to do what we can to help others. so why then are there so many people who dont?

perhaps it is because there are so many people in this world that need help from others that we get overwhelmed, and don't know where to start. however, sitting back and doing nothing only adds to the problem. i think the key is to not let it overwhelm you. as some tv host would always say, "do what you can do"

in that spirit, i decided to do something which i think fits perfectly in the holiday season. im allotting an amount for our church's future site.

no more monday blues!

i didnt attend my nstp class. instead worked on the tcs.edu.ph site. which has been finished. drew did the nice layout and i was left to do the guestbook and the alumni section of the website, which will ill be paid by bob on monday, and monday also means ill be getting my first paycheck from my aussie job. monday also means that it will be the start of my gym sessions. monday will be the deadline of my IME2 project which almost cost me my job at biko. i did the project on my office hours and boss was left questioning me as to why my work was delayed at day. lols.

monday.
lunes.
20k richer.

the ballpen

I learned a little lesson from a ballpen while riding a jeep.

No, I didn’t get enlightened by my notes, I don’t keep one, or of some doodles from a fellow passenger on the way to school.

I was on a jeep en route to school one Thursday afternoon. As the jeep sped along Talisay going to Bacolod, I realized that I would be reaching La Salle in more or less 20 minutes. So I decided to check my belongings: cellphone, ID, etc…

But just when I thought I put the ID back to my pocket, the pen dropped to the floor.

This is where the fun begins.

First it rolled towards the feet of the man seated in front of me. Tried reaching for it without disturbing the other passenger but inasmuch as my arm was long and skinny, the pen kept rolling away from my reach. Obviously the fact that the jeep was moving didn’t make my life any easier.

I squatted and stretched but to no avail.

Chest heaving from the exertion and getting increasingly irritated, I finally got the guts to inform the conductor in front of me of my dilemma. He bent over and tried to locate the item but alas, the thing rolled further towards the seats nearing the front of the bus.

I crashed back into my seat groaning inwardly at the absurdity of it all. Frustration welling up inside me, I started to think that heck, it’s just a P20 ballpen, give it up. Sure, it may be my only piece of pen but then I could buy myself another one if I wanted to. Why all the fuss? Forget it. Don’t let your day be spoiled on the account of a singular thing.

Breathing deeply, I was clearing my mind and convincing myself that giving up that friggin’ Pilot ballpen for lost was the right thing to do. Even tried to think of when I’d be able to replace the thing.

Then practicality (that thing costs almost 20 bucks. 20 bucks could buy me an instant coffee and 4 sticks of Marlboro Lights), sentimentality (Hey, I’ve been using this for more than a month now!), and I don’t know what else hit me. You could still look for it you know—if you really wanted to. If you think it’s worth anything to you, you’d try to find it. Dear God. An attack of conscience over a ballpen..

So there I was again, dunking my head, peering under seats. Thank God for this sleppy Thursday afternoon commuting—not too many passengers were onboard. Ignoring the funny looks borne out of my seat switching, I made my way to the seats on the second row shy of the frontseat of the Cebro jeep. I figured that since the ballpen was heading in that direction, I might as well overtake it and intercept it.

I looked beneath the seat to see the feet of a couple seated a few rows back, a few candy wrappers here, some cigarette butts there and more floor space. What I could no longer see was a small, black pen.

It was gone.

Straightening up, I sank back into my seat and sighed. The loss of the object finally dawned upon me, and regret started to seep into my consciousness. Perhaps if I didn’t give up too soon, I might’ve stood a chance in finding it. Even the thought of buying a new one didn’t make me feel any better. I don’t have enough time for that because I’m late for a major subject class.

Oh well.

We were now on the highway along Robinson’s Place and fast approaching North Drive. Breathing deeply, I cleared my mind and convinced myself that there was nothing else I can do. It was worth the effort but it was too late. It may have been a singular material thing but it served me well and it will be missed.

The vehicle came to a stop at San Agustin and a few people got off. My stop was next. As I prepared my things, the couple seated a few seats behind me moved to alight the vehicle as well. I watched them go past me and out the stairs. Then a thought struck me. In a burst of inspiration I got up and quickly walked towards the back of the bus till I got to the seat the couple recently vacated. Then I looked down.

There on the floor of the bus was my pen.

----

Sometimes in frustration, we can walk away from something good—not realizing how much it really means to us. We take some things for granted, thinking that we won’t miss them if we lose them, thinking that they’re replaceable. Dispensable.

But then we do lose them and realize how wrong we were.

I could’ve let that thing go if I wanted to. In fact I already decided to do so… to simply get down from the bus and not look back.

But then I realized that I couldn’t just give up without a proverbial fight and so I put up one last search.

It happens that sometimes when we’re on the verge of losing something, we make a final effort to save or salvage whatever we can. Of course, we could either succeed or fail in doing so.

At times, we can’t help but wonder if our success relies on how hard we work at it or whether or not fate, destiny, or if God would deem it so.

All I know is, I’d rather give it one last shot. To fight for it and hopefully win or die trying… rather than just let it go, knowing full well that I could’ve done something.

Who’d have thought I’d learn so much from an encounter with an inanimate object?

Life can be the weirdest but funniest teacher sometimes.

cool illusion!!

If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot, you will only see one color, pink. If you stare at the black + in the center, the moving dot turns to green. Now, concentrate on the black + in the center of the picture. After a short period of time, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will only see a green dot rotating if you're lucky! It's amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear. This should be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see.

eat your greens!

So...

Last Friday...I never did actually go to bed.

Instead I lay down and slept a couple of times, sleeping more than enough, just not in that I-went-to-bed-and-got-a-good-night's-sleep kind of way. I'm not sure why, really, I did that. Sometimes I just like to time travel, prolonging or skipping a day or the like. I dont know what happened after the Cafe Bobs incident.

Saturday...I had a couple of weird dreams. In one, I met Karl Roy, kapatid's vocalist, btw, their upcoming second album will be out soon, its called 'Luha'.. second assault on your sonic senses.., so continue to the dream, we were back stage, they have this concert kuno at la salle covered court..,and there we were, making small talk and i asked him if he have some kapatid shirts for sale with him, he just sort of smirked towards me and handed me a bunch of buddha beads and proceeded to remove the buddha beads from his arms ( those beads were given to him by cynthia alexander).. and moments later, went back to the stage to continue their gig and left me dumbfounded.

In another dream I was in high school again and totally berated a teacher of mine for some reason I can't recall now. Also the class was being held in my back yard. It was a teacher I really didn't get along with all that well in real life, but man, I'm not sure why my dreams want me to be yelling at her now!

Other than this, between last night and today I've managed to procure some DVD... the notebook, cinderella story and i am sam.. had watched the first two movies when they were shown at robs. just watched it for 'reminiscing sake'. and the i am sam is one cool movie.... made me cry....on to next..

I mean, continue! Because I've already started. It's all attitude.

Apart from this, I don't guess there's anything much to report. I very much need to go find some food, now, its 11:09 pm, and I'm hoping the second part (which on the audio CD is actually the first part) of the norah jones album that ive sent to my boss finishes uploading soon; not because it's a bother, but so I'll know that it's really gone through successfully.

I miss someone a lot. I'm not going to say more, and I'm going to try to refrain from saying this much most days. That won't make it less true, but I know that I do need to try not to be...er, effusive about expressing it too much here. And so try I shall: I'm going to resolve not to say it in tomorrow's entry here.

All in all, lots of good thoughts and not one bad one; and yes, I say that in all candor. Well, I do feel I went a little overboard castigating my former teacher in that one dream... But in all fairness to me, she was kind of a bitch.

...Well. Maybe "regret" is, um, a strong word.

(Crazy island place and its unnatural condiments! Plus everyone knows florets aren't noodles. Seriously, wth?!)

:D

Ok ok ok, gonna eat now. Then...bed? Man, my sleep is so messed up right now...and so is my life! better check out my status at friendster if you know what i mean..

Hey! The upload just finished as this entry did. Howsaboutthat?

if you want to know yourself, try solitude

i just realized that living a life of seclusion is also good, but just not the extremes, you can discover lots of stuff about yourself when you withdraw yourself from other people. there'd be no judgements, influences and whatever.

and you could do so much stuff that you can't do when your with people who'll nag you about it. kinda bummed that i can't find a something to download. ive been waiting for incubus' alive at red rocks on azureus since this afternoon to finish its downloading. its 1.36GB, and 8 hours left to 100%.

the reason is that im currently into may 'new' thing right now, the solitude part, stupid, is that she went to manila for her vacation and ive got this cool webdev job and im working at home! its four hours a day and its more than enough to pay bills. -- which is a good thing because going to bacolod is like a 'much-anticipated' event. lol. which reminds me i have to go there tomorrow for the required caffeine overload session with friends.

oh please comment. hehe at least ive got to know there's some bloke whose actually reading my blog.

long live crass commericalism!!

stumbled this upon my school's website. maybe this is the institution's response to those students who are fond of making cuts to their tuition payment, i wouldnt deny, i once did that too, much to the wrath of my mother.. but the whole point is this, why does la salle have to include the logo of globe g-cash prominently? and actually make a banner ad for that? why not have an alternative for smart users? (by the way, i use a globe sim). and why doest la salle develop a home-brewed sms-based payment system rather than rely on these marketing ploys by telecom companies? and also, lasalle has smart's wireless laboratory man, but why globe? maybe since globe is more elite than smart (pang masa ang smart eh). that's why they opted to use globe g-cash? basta this looks ugly on the website, its unconciously saying that education in la salle is becoming more and more of a negosyo. and man, i doubt if globe g-cash is pays la salle for the banner ad in the website.

read on! spent 2 hours writing this one!

After night swimming with friends, spent the most of last night with a pile of DVDs and the computer.

Insert. Play. Skip. Eject.

Basically repeated this for about 10 DVDs...I know - that's nothing compared to what most people have but it WAS a tiresome effort at the most. I was checking through my entire DVD collection to see which ones I could play on the computer (using VLC) and I found out that all the "copies" could play...whilst all the "reals" COULDN'T......grr....annoying but thankfully I have very few "reals" besides my-much-loved-boxsets. Hmph! I get this message:

TheTV Out port of your display card is not working properly.

Maybe I'm technically challenged but I don't understand what that means...is it just that the DVDs won't play? Or am I doing something wrong? I tried googling the message which came up with suggestions on how to fix it....that I pretty much didn't understand besides the word FORMAT which kinda freaked me out... VLC supposed to be the most advanced player -- any format could be played through this player.

Besides that I'm pretty happy...So I installed PowerDVD... and I finally downloaded a DVD ripper so I can start ripping clips off the movies I have...starting to develop and interest in vidding. And I worked out that there's a Capture function on PowerDVD (ha...I'm slow) so I'll soon be screencapturing like crazy from now on.

I'm starting to feel really restless at home. I haven't opened up Photoshop since my IME graphics project was due back in early September (except that certain thesis design for a friend). It's been like a WHOLE MONTH...hopefully I haven't forgotten how to 'wield' the application over this time. But I guess I just don't feel like conjuring up graphics much these days....time consuming and feeling unchallenged/uninterested. And I guess there's also that certain fear whenever I draw...that my graphics will turn out looking like complete crap - which is discouraging. So I'm dealing by avoiding it right now. Plus photoshop and vidding has taken up a lot of my time recently....but I PROMISE I'll do some wallpapers soon. Absolutely! Just gotta find SOMETHING to draw first...

Can't wait til the end of the year - this TIME, my issues will hopefully be eliminated. I have a list of things I will do after the 2005 when I'll hopefully finally have the time for:

- Draw a ton of portraits (fanart and people I know)....maybe a self portrait one day.

- Learn to play the guitar again...so those 5 years of lessons will not go to waste.

- Still have a job. Ill be starting a graphics job from biko technologies tomorrow. 4hours/day.

- Dedicate more time to my much neglected sites...in need of major revampage.

- Download more DivX movies.

- Get a sport.

I've been blogging for about 3 months now. On and Off.

I'm starting to wonder - do people actually read over the old entries of their journals/blogs? Or is the purpose of the journal just to write down your thoughts - to vent...not really to store memories or anything? Do I read over old entries? No...not purposely - sometimes I'll go back to look for something and I'll start reading because something catches my eye. But other than that - the past is pretty much the past for me. Maybe one day when I'm old and nostalgic - I'll actually read over everything I've read....

I never thought having a journal (even an online public one) would be so theraputic. It's surprising - how much of a relief just writing stuff down can be...helps me think about things and laugh about others. Things that are upsetting or sad that I write about - I can just type away for an hour or so....and then DELETE it. Then it's "gone" in a certain sense. Exorcism!

Does having it public make me hold back? Yes. Usually I can vague it up quite a bit and talk about it in a universal sense. I have to say my entries are usually upbeat and happy. There's a few entries which are stressed and VERY few where I am just downright depressed. I have to say though - sometimes writing about sad things just makes you sadder! It's not like they say - that when you talk to others about your problems, you'll feel better. That's not true in all situations...sometimes things are better left buried away in your subconscious - because it's when you start writing/talking about it that you start to THINK about it - start to OVERANALYZE everything about it...which basically makes you even more sad/worried than you were before.

In that case all I can say is: Let's dig a hole, bury it deep back inside and just MOVE ON.

I wonder how long all of this will last. Maybe one day the Internet [or blogger.com and google.com's clustered servers in particular] will just crash and everything will be lost. All these entries will be deleted. Or maybe one day I'll just stop updating...and this will be forgotten like the millions of deserted sites/blogs out there. I wonder how many of those deserted blogs were just forgotten...and how many of those, the writers have actually died. I know this is getting morbid but it's really making me wonder. I mean - how long has blogging been around? Of those deserted blogs floating around in space....how many are the last thoughts of the person?

It's like finding someone's journal where they're writing about the greatest thing and then suddenly you turn the page and there's NOTHING.

What happened? Why did they stop writing? These are the things which claw away at our curiousity. And will anyone ever know? If the story ended RIGHT here, RIGHT now....would you wonder? Would you care? Or would this just be another forgotten, deserted part of the world? You'll just ASSUME I lost interest in blogging...that I gave up and went onto something else, new and shiny.

I don't care.

I need some closure. If this ever dies - trust me, I'll TELL you. I'll write in size 72 font: THIS BLOG IS CLOSED. There will be no vague hiatus or BRBs that last over two years. It will be a farewell that pretty much says - thanks for the times but I'm leaving and so should you.

Of couse, in the event of an unexpected death - I give permission for someone to hack into my account and just write one closing post: THIS BLOGGER IS DEAD. FAREWELL. Then this blog can rest in peace.

typical-bacolod-blogger-esque post

just had the real celebration of our successful defense yesterday + shereen's birthday celebration at krua thai and later in the afternoon, at dunkin's silay. shereen and his brother spent spent the rest of the sleepy sunday afternoon at my room and watched finding nemo. haha first post with personal pix! and no, im not gonna turn into those blogs with food pix...haha bato2x sa langit!

[clockwise: muddy, she, me, vany, leo at krua thai]
[dunkin's silay]
[silay city park]

finally done!

back to experimentation and stuff and normal life! thesis is finally finished. after 3 months of working, now it was consummated. i have a little adjusting to be done because im not used to not doing anything anymore. have to make up with friends, all those wala-ko-kadayon-kay-sako-sa-thesis is no more. oh great the feeling is! hahaha just got wind of the news that the unanimous nomination of the 3 panelists -- trespi, BSCS dean, rodney, jrs systems admin and sonny boy taleon, lasalle csl admin -- made history as being the first thesis project that got nominated by the 3 panelists, usually its either 2-panelists out of 3 who'll gonna nominate a group..etc... bragging rights lang ah...

trip sa memory lane

it was a blast seeing old friends last night for our traditional booze session last night since it was talisay city's minuluan festival. as usual, same venue, at carmela at one of our friend's house. after year's of non-existence, there was arman, who is a batch ahead of us in highschool, thing is, he's anthony's office mate at honda cars -- and that's why we found him; nonoy jay-r, our batch's secret weapon -- last year's petron art contest awardee for his sculpture -- 2nd year at arfien. nilo -- kicked out on our second year at highschool -- but now a PRC board passer for education; and of course, the host, hapon -- engineer. and me -- undergraduate. the whole time was spent recalling our (mis)adventures -- nilo stealing the vulcaseal to cover his rugby doze, talking about the babes in highschool, those classmates na may bata na. puta no, dugay na ta gali nag alamiguhay. pila na? 11 years? damo ta na agyan. tawa lang gd last night, panuya, dayun, tapos ang sa kay mary ann na nobyo na dako2x lawas na gin-pangalanan ta na johnny bravo. pero hugot kuno gyapon c mary ann? michelle aldana to ya ang dyamoks daan sang hayskul ta!
3:00 am -- went to a friend's kiosk near the talisay plaza. booooooooze! dala ang dinuguan na sumsuman ah.. part c jang2x man to hu? hahaha jan michael coronica - guitar prodigy, bebong morales (c wesley ka ya gyapon ah!) - slayeeeeer!, randy conman -- puga ga tukar kamo ya gyapon ya no?? kag nag intra kamo ya sa battle!! next week pa balaring ta!!
remember this?? http://www.geocities.com/barkadashit

left to right:
ting2x: manila na
hapon: ari d gyapon. ara kami sa balay nila
toi: manila na man
jay-r: ara sa sugar valley
ako: lasal gyapon
jang2x: ga tukar gyapon
maxcel: ato sa cebu

down to 13 days

we're the 5th group in our presentation. im in the process of making the administration modules. its the first time that i felt that im gonna beat the deadline. (ive set it to be this saturday) had this nifty javascript+css hack. spent 2 days of my life trying to get it to work. its still buggy though. i dont know why it crashes at a certain line in the script especially when i get to set the script to display >4 rows, it returns something like memory failure. but the report works so far, its like looking at a ms explorer interface. or an excel spreadsheet with movable columns for data and all. demo.
went on a drinking spree last night with friends at bodega [warehouse kuno kung sa mga feeling classy kag pa sosyal na naga kadto to..] and later, to draft. playing was jasper and his band, called barbie na doll. they play purely OPM covers and sometimes craftily interjects it with parts from foriegn songs.. mayonnaise's jopay then mixed with simple plan's perfect then bob marley's stir it up and then back to jopay. the band's funny without being corny. barbie almabis was also there too, i dont know what's she's doing here at bacolod.. "barbie with barbie na doll"..hahaha she played only one song: 'the dance' -- which is what ronnie and i requested. got home around three. feeling psyched to continue the work again.

why morning coffee is the best

everyday for the past 2 years, i wake up and go to jaja's and have my first doze of caffeine. that more or less within an hour after i get up from my bed and go back refreshed and psyched up after that. the coffee costs only Php 5.00 and can rival the one served at bacolod's top coffee shops. only one shop can match jaja's flavor: burgos street's la corona.. but that's another story. at jaja, its there where i usually get to plan out my day's activities. have some deep thinking. going there is like routine for me. most of the waitresses know what to serve me: 1 'laban' -- thats how they call the mocha-like coffee and 2 sticks of marlboro. i stumbled upon this article that says that coffee could be a health drink. wow. great. well, study showed the same about alcohol. but it doesn't mean getting drunk every day is a healthy thing to do, as is maintaining a caffeïne addiction. moderation in things is key i believe. i just know that quitting the whole coffee-addiction had benefits for me personally. try going to cafe bob's, bo's cafe..the current craze of coffee in bacolod has coffee-drinking purists blurt out: people perceive coffee drinking as socializing. drinking coffee would be like another night out at some exclusive bars. its like youre 'in' if youre drinking coffee. tsk tsk tsk. posers.

sql lesson

i havent got to get ultra-edit working. i dont know what happened, it was working this afternoon but now, hours later, i wouldnt go beyond the starting dialog box of the application. tried moving the folder into a different drive, un-installing + reinstalling... it just wouldnt work! m$ must have figured out how to delay my project again. so im going back to allaire homesite, my ex-text editor..anyway, have this sql query on my shipping module:

SELECT * FROM transactions_temp
INNER JOIN users
ON transactions_temp.userid = users.userid
INNER JOIN locations
ON transactions_temp.locationid = locations.locationid
INNER JOIN services
ON transactions_temp.serviceid = services.serviceid
INNER JOIN packages
ON transactions_temp.send_packageid = packages.packageid
INNER JOIN rates
ON transactions_temp.send_packageid = rates.packageid
ORDER BY trans_tempid DESC LIMIT 1

when i had created the database schema, i had two identical tables, transactions and transactions_temp, whom i added without thinking., days later i was wondering why i inserted all the shipment data into transactions_temp and not to the transactions window? why did i create two identical tables? i guess by now its all clear because, ill be using ONLY the transactions_temp table for the shipment, all the data will be passed there temporarily, and after the user clicks 'DONE', all the data will be duplicated into the transactions table, and the row in the temporary table will be deleted. it has something to do with that sql query. because when i typed directly the url, ...user_home.php?print_label, it shows the query result of the last entry in the temp table. that disaster could be solved by copying the row from transactions_temp table into the transactions table. it would show up as null. first its a workaround, second it would be more secure. only at the last part of the shipping module, the transactions table would be used, as opposed to transactions_temp.. and the latter gets cleaned up after every successful display of the package label.

having coffee at this early morning. will be going downstairs for a smoke. (mom's here with me)

labels are up!

used gd instead of fpdf. with regards to some issues regarding the printing, solved it using css, no need for links from the page for printer friendly pages. so it printed. the package label, complete with barcodes. its just waiting for the package in which to be stuck into. next problem: have to update the costing that the package will be needing a thermal printer since its the best printer for printing documents with barcodes.

problem: home-based users dont have a thermal printer, to think most of them dont have a laser printer or something costly printer. me included.
solution: users, have to make the label online, if they have a thermal printer, they can have it printed into a laser paper, but if they dont have, they can have it printed into their nearest jrs store when they get to send their package. problem solved? i dont know. maybe.

under the same rain...

You're back to catching raindrops again. To each one a name, and there is one you are dying to find, but how? For each one is a possibility, a chance dividing infinitely in all directions every second.
Running barefoot, it doesn't matter, nobody can see you. Cry, only to find out it won't matter, either, the rain will drown your tears anyway. Release your pain in one solid cry and it won't matter still, the wind will only eat up your screams. Run barefoot and it won't matter at all – your soul is on its knees.

Run for cover and light a cigarette – now that's refuge. You can rest for a few minutes before you start running alone again.

But I have been here all these times.

This shouldn't have been your life, if only you allowed me to hold you one last time.

To each one a name, each one a possibility, another chance, but you cannot see that, never. For I have been always a few steps behind, following, dying with you every step of the way. If only you'd look back.

******

I'm back to catching raindrops again. To each one a name, but your name I can't seem to find. How could I? You are just a name, a face, a single drop among all others, and the possibility divides infinitely in every direction, every second.

I run barefoot, but it doesn't matter, for nobody can see me. I cry only to find out I cry alone, and it won't matter if the sky will cry with me; it can only cry this much, never enough to comfort me. I shout in pain and it won't matter even, because I can't hear myself as the wind carries away my voice almost instantly. And the cold it brings I can't even feel, for I am colder inside. I run alone, because there is no reason to stay in one place. It is raining.

But... have you been there all these times?

This shouldn't have been my life, chasing raindrops forever, if only you tried to hold on to me tighter, even for that one last time...

Chasing raindrops, to each a name, a chance, so elusive I can never find it. I can never see you. I am as blind as my heart, and being blind I can only face forward, forever forward, no sense looking back. Have you always been a few steps behind, following? I cannot know it, never. If only you'd reach for me and call my name.

a shaded eye but you uncovered my view.
a drowning soul and you put me back to shore.
a scathed being healing in your hands.
weakened but gaining strength in you.

***

hey, i used to like hoobastank too. back in the days of crawling in the dark and running away. haha. these days i’d rather listen to hendrix, pinikpikan, or kapatid. and i prefer kapatid over bamboo, though they have the same guitarist and bassist: ira cruz and nathan azarcon. and their songs make me so sad, since i remember chico, the other guitarist, who just passed away.

this is for the band who made me believe in our own music again.
and to chico, the guy who made good music with the band.

kapatid's the prayer

if i ever see you face to face again
i’d ask you why, so soon
and in your grand debut from death, reborn again
for life i pray

i hate to see you haunting
or in your private hell
i hope you make it
this prayer’s for you
this prayer’s for you.

oh wax and wicker, that burn throughout the night
the light you shine, makes me smile
you are the candle, that turns the darkness back
extinguished fire

i hate to see you haunting
or in your private hell
i hope you make it
this prayer's for you
this prayer's for you.

***

i dont understand how people can talk on the phone for hours. one of my close guy friends bragged that he once spoke to this hot chick for thirteen hours straight. and i was like, 'yuga mo eh... what do you talk about? your life from pre-school to college?' i can comprehend one hour of teasing someone, maybe three hours of fighting with your girlfriend or soon to be ex, but thirteen hours on the bloody telephone? this girl musta been talking about sex every hour on the hour. that's the only possible scenario I can imagine.

---

marvel ink-drawn chicks are hot. an ongoing question thats been bugging me for the last 2 hours is… am i the only one who gets turned on by looking at emma frost and rouge? i feel a little guilty about this sometimes but what can i do, hormones are hormones.

i am the 'i' in the small letter 'i'

i don't know who to blame but because i'm tired of blaming myself, i chose to point in another direction--away from me. i blame my parents for being me--afraid of expressing what i feel when the circumstance is there. i grew up knowing that brave people never cry in public. i grew up knowing that crying is a sign of defeat of weakness…of being a failure. and because of this, i never really appreciated the meaning of 'feeling and showing for others'. and i hate myself for being so.

i thought pretending not to feel anything is the safest defense mode in the world.

i was wrong. i feel shit inside.