teodz

Drunk.

2008-04-15T00:35:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been in a state of drunkenness. How I wish it were from alcohol, but it just isn't. I am drunk with my multiple work (whose multiple incomes I have not tasted yet). I am drunk with love (which is I don't know, I love the idea of being in love but I don't really see myself being in a relationship this time..) . I am drunk with excitement (of the thought of being able to live independently from my parents and from our house). I am drunk.

I continuously complain about my life, but at the same time, I am completely in love with it. That's drunkenness.

In my work as a Web Developer, many people ask me about how I see myself in a couple of years in the IT sector. I do expect those kinds of questions, but I feel weird about answering them at the same time. I am a goal-setter, an output-oriented, systems-creator kind of person - that's why I have to say, I do have goals in this line of work. But at the same time, I am Hedonistic (the way Foucault would explain it), and I live for and with what is pleasureable - that is why I have to say I am in this work and in other 'works' because I am pleasured by the way they make me feel. But not everyone could get what I am trying to explain. It's rather complicated to answer in just one sentence.

But just the same, the world opens up. It gets bigger and smaller for me everyday. My state of drunkenness is brought about by the liminality I live in. We are all liminal beings - we cannot box ourself in one category because the world is big enough to continue exploring. But the more we explore, the more we realize how small it could get. I am constantly reminded - we live in just one world. And this one world is big enough and small enough for each one to find purpose.

2007: In Memoriam

2007-12-31T04:02:00.000-08:00

What a year. God has been so good this year even though i havent been good enough.

graduated from college.
last march, ive been able to finish school. looking back, maybe this was the greatest event that has happened so far this year. being able to march in a graduation ceremony and getting your mock diploma used to elude me. i was also thankful for all the people that ive met, got drunk with, jammed with, cheated exams with, cut classes with, that ive met them along the way. also there were people who doubted me if im able to graduate. i guess ive proved you otherwise. (opening chords from Eraserheads' 'Sa Wakas' begins to play in the background)

redesigned room.
from doing the carpentry to electrical wirings to painting the room.last september, my cousin and i switched rooms. actually this is my original room, but years ago, after i went to a weekend trek to mt. patag, my tito and my 2 cousins had occupied my room even without my permission ( i was just a college sophomore then), since the spare room is too small for them... now, im back here. anyway, i redid the ceiling, redesigned the closet, put in more electric outlets, installed A/C, put dimmer lights, added more sound insulation, repainted the room. now if i can find a way to recoup all the costs involved in this redesign.. hmmm.. its worth it i guess..hehe

religiously saved a fixed amount from monthly salary.
eversince i had my first job, most of the money earned was spent on booze, nightouts, trips, useless material things -- and almost every month, id end up borrowing from my mom (which wala man gakabayran hehe). this year, though, ive been able to save up a good amount of money from my salary and other sources of income from sidelines, rackets, etc.

promoted to full time position at work.
im working as a web developer for an aussie company on a home-office basis. after more than a year of having a 4-hour workday from my work there, because of me being at school, ive been promoted to 8-hours. means my salary would be twice that i receive every month when i was doing the school-work-school stunt. which i started getting 8 hours the next morning after graduation day.

lost phone for the first time.
must. not. drink. too. much. beer. 'nuff said.

planned and implemented sister's dream wedding.
last august, my sister and panoy, her boyfriend of 10 years, arrived from abroad. we had no idea that they'll get married because panoy has to ask mom's permission personally. when mom gave the green light, we scrambled making wedding preparations because theyre only staying for only a month. but in the end, she got the dream wedding normally we filipinos could only see at movies. everything was non-traditional: modern but formal-looking invitations. Pachelbel's Canon in D was the bridal march, wedding cake is made with choco-muffins, bridal car is a Volkswagen Beetle, complete with 'Just Married' sign with shoes and tin cans at the rear, motif is all-white, music for the reception is classical music, etc.

On Keeping What You've Got

2007-12-13T10:23:00.000-08:00

I don't want to pick on my close friends. Ive harassed them long enough when since we were too young to drink booze and smoke cigarettes -- now that we've grown, I've tried my best to stop teasing them mercilessly about anything. hehe

It's hard.

This Christmas season, a friend bought a brand new cell phone, although his old cell phone works perfectly. His old phone? Not the coolest on the market, not bluetooth compatible, not an MP3 player, but 100% functional.

I wanted to give him a hard time, but I said nothing. I even had to agree with him on the quality of the new phone's camera. It's top notch.

But, it did get me thinking about how often we (as in most people) buy things to replace other things that are in fine working order.

I, for instance, want a new notebook. Mine is slow and old. I won't buy one ... not until this one has died of old age, but that doesn't mean that, in the past, I haven't done just what my friend did last weekend.

We buy things we don't need. We buy duplicates of things we don't need and then toss the first thing we didn't need into the trash.

So, I'm promising myself (especially during the holiday season -- as all my friends and family ask me "What do you want for Christmas?") -- that I'm going to think long and hard about what I truly need. And try even harder to be happy with what I've got.

a new way to alter images

2007-08-31T15:08:00.000-07:00

We quickly moving to era where what you see is far from reality. Microsoft Research based in Bejing demonstrated similar techniques about 2 years ago.

Be afraid, very afraid. Interestingly enough forensics don't have methods yet to determine if image has been manipulated since it's such a new area. You can only hope that someone doesn't decide you are the 'less significant' area.... :D

New method to shrink images — Two Israeli professors, Shai Avidan and Ariel Shamir, have demonstrated a new method to shrink images. The method figures out which parts of an image are less significant, and then makes it possible to change the aspect ratio of an image without make it look skewed. More info after the jump.

[link to website] [seam-carving white paper]

flashspeak

2007-08-17T10:11:00.000-07:00

I always had a query that relative URLs do not work consistently from browser to browser. After searching I came across this solution on the Adobe Flash technote site.

Solution : If I am going to use the relative URL’s then I need to use the BASE attribute in the HTML.

The BASE attribute is helpful for calling up relative URLs. The BASE attribute specifies the base directory or URL used in resolving all relative path statements in the Flash Player movie. This attribute is particularly helpful when your Flash Player movies are kept in a different directory from your other files. — from Adobe

link

8:00 - 5:00 as a developer

2007-08-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

It became clear to me this week why IT jobs are outsourced from first world countries to cheap labor markets such as India and the Philippines. Writing source codes is tedious and strenuous mental work. You face the computer for 9 straight hours, and get an overdose of radiation. Your back and butt hurt from perpetually sitting and slouching. By the end of the day, all of your brain cells get depleted. You look like you've just waken up in the morning, cranky and bleary-eyed from all the free caffeinated coffee you drank. You finally get rest after that. You face radiation again, this time in front of the TV, unusually mentally awake, like you've just taken drugs. You want to sleep early but you eventually slumber at around 12-1am. Then you wake up again by 5:30am to do this all over again.

I don't want to give up yet. Beneath all of the negatives, I'm trying to discover elements that can make this job a vocation rather than just plain work. Quoting Mr. Kent Nerburn, "Find out what it is that burns in your heart and do it. Choose a vocation, not a job, and you will be at peace."

For instance, when I create a program that actually works, there is a sense of achievement and satisfaction. This week, 2 very difficult case studies in my MS .NET training placed me at breaking point. The first case involved incorporating 3-control-break routines (say what?) in sorting, merging, updating and printing out business documents. When I failed to meet the deadline for this case, I got so depressed. But still, I insisted to myself to finish this case even if I already passed the deadline. I said to myself, the worse case scenario is accumulating so much unfinished cases, that in the end, I don't finish a case at all.

Being an IT graduate, I should be the first to know of this kind of stress due to the mental calisthenics and the emotional roller coaster. Hence, I said to myself that I will never give up. Pwede ni, kaya ko ni. A day later after the deadline, I eventually finished the program to my utmost relief.

Going back, IT jobs are outsourced, in my opinion, because as a nation progresses, citizens have more disposable income to enjoy life. They have the money to hire laborers to do jobs that they do not want to do. As an example, doing household chores, a very boring and exhausting task, are delegated to domestic helpers. Customer phone servicing, a job that you might hate, are outsourced to call centers here in Bacolod. This job can make you feel guilty at first because intruding random strangers and going through humiliation and verbal abuses are new territories. But as you go on, you become numb to insults and eventually get used to being rudely hanged up at the other end of the line.

At the end of the day, I find it difficult to pinpoint where you contribute to the greater part of society with these kinds of jobs. Maybe being a breadwinner in the family, your salary, contributes to society, not your job per se.

Unfortunately, being in a third world country limits my choices. These are the only jobs available in the market. I can only persevere and work hard to go up the corporate ladder so that I can acquire that longed-for sinecure spot. For now, my motto is work hard, party later.

is working at home good or bad?

2007-07-31T00:43:00.000-07:00

Web Worker Daily brought up an interesting question near and dear to my work from home heart in a recent article: is the isolation experienced working from home helpful or harmful? It's a bit of a paradox.

Working from home can be isolating but highly productive, that's for sure. Sometimes this isolation is a good thing, i.e., when you're working under a deadline or you have a project that requires intense concentration for long periods of time. However, that isolation is a two-edged sword, which is why you see coffee shops full of laptop-wielding workers.

I suspect the coffee-drinking-laptop-toting crowd , especially here in bacolod, e.g. cafe bobs, bo's coffee club, kuppa, etc etc are more interested in their self-images as Hip and Cool, and less interested in doing any work - they just sip their horribly expensive spanish-titled beverages and are seen by others, with similar conceit.

promoted.

2007-07-08T00:07:00.000-07:00

finally got promoted! yooohooo! after like for 3 months waiting for my performance review at work, the head honcho, which happens to be the owner of the company which im working for, finally gave in.

and no, i dont work-from-home for a call center.

top 3 creativity killers.. i guess..

2007-04-24T05:12:00.000-07:00

you know something is wrong when the creative process that usually gives you life and energy becomes painfully slow and draining. over the past couple of months, mr. blank canvas has roughed me more than once… and in the process I’ve discovered three very subtle things that tend to sneak up and choke off my creative flow. Watch your back… they might be coming after you as well.

killer #1 – multitasking & distractions
nothing seems to sap my creativity levels more than trying to do too many things at once. If you’re a member of the Getting Things Done fanclub, you’re probably already well aware of this. According to David Allen (the author of GTD), our minds are like computer RAM. The more active “stuff” we have going on at any one time, the less efficient our brains seem to work.

mr. allen's analogy totally makes sense to me, as ive often found that in order to really focus my creative energy on something, i need to get rid of the other distractions lobbying for my attention. ive found that turning off my email, ym, friendster and celfone is the easiest and most effective way to get rid of the majority of these distractions. if youre really overloaded with work and you’re having a hard time getting your brain to slow down enough to focus on one thing at a time, implementing a full-on GTD system really is a great way to go.

killer #2 – work environment
this morning i have to meet someone who's coming here sa room, so i had to clean up all the clutter that was sitting on (and around) my desk. now that all the loose papers, bills, cigarette butts, and other junks are put away, i honestly feel super refreshed. its amazing how much of a difference your physical surroundings can make on your emotional state. the weird thing is that i never really seemed to notice how much the clutter and mess was weighing me down until it was removed.

your work environment goes beyond just how tidy you are though, it also includes the colour of your walls, how comfortable your chair is, as well as the music playing in the background. anything that is distracting your senses will play a part in how focused you can get. if you lucky enough to have the power to change some of these variables ( i realize that not all of us work from home) you’ll probably be surprised on what you can pull off with a limited time.

killer #3 – fear of failure
every so often ill get contacted by a client that i feel is “out of my league” asking if im available to work on a project. if it’s not something that i feel is over my head (technically), ill usually go for it. its during these types of projects that i often find myself wasting hours of time second-guessing everything i do and putting way too much pressure on myself early on in the creative process. it wasn’t until after i listened to a podcast by franklin mcmahon (ep #38) that i clued into the reason that i was putting this pressure on myself. i had a fear of failure.

i have a feeling that most of us deal with this from time to time, so i thought id share how i get around it. first, i start thinking about the goals of my client rather than my personal goals. my clients goals might be to increase visitor traffic and make their site more search engine friendly, whereas my personal goals might be to impress the client enough to land some repeat work from them. im finding that when i focus on my clients goals, there’s a good chance my personal ones will work out as well.

another thing ill do is think to myself, “what would ___ (insert favorite designer’s name here) do in this situation? how would they handle the design of this nav? would they use 2 or 3 columns for this layout? when i start asking those questions, ideas immediately start coming to mind and ideas start flowing. almost seems like a brain hack, but it works.

im sure ive only touched the surface of the potential creativity killers out there, what kills your creativity?

25

2007-02-28T07:31:00.000-08:00

well, ive got to spend my birthday over lunch then the whole afternoon at boringsons then ate at our home at night with my family then i went drinking alone at a local bar (tyangge) hahaha here at silay.

anyway, share ko lang.. two weeks ago, as my birthday is approaching, im finding myself more and more in a state of depression. its not because im a year older or any of that nonsense. its just that, in the past theres been a torrential range of emotions associated with experiences surrounding my birthday and last year is certainly no exception... some of the most incredible feelings of self-worth, friendship, and love have been felt during this time of year as well as some of the darkest moments of utter confusion and hopelessness. of course, as is the human condition, the darker times come to mind much easier than the happy ones...

so what do i want for my birthday this year? more than anything, i want some good times to replace these bad memories... that means being surrounded by light-heartedness, happiness, friendship, flirting, respect and good old fashioned debauchery hahaha. and hopefully, along
with that, a few very close friends to share it with and help me to shake these bad feelings so i can enjoy the good times.

tigulang na ko!

sonic assault!

2006-11-02T13:04:00.000-08:00

after 7 years of non-playing musically, im back. here's some pics from recent gigs. =)

waiting...

2006-09-16T12:23:00.000-07:00

Love is more than teenage foolishness. Love is for a lifetime. It shouldn't be hurried. Love, I think, should be taken slowly but surely. It's the best option I can think of and which I would prefer.

How many, I wonder, fall in love almost perfectly. I (and the One) want to be just like them. I don't want to fall in love perfectly with you today and not have you tomorrow. I'm scared of losing you I thought I was supposed to have forever. It's an ugly thought I want to forget but I simply can't. I fear it might happen to me and if that ever happens, (which I hope won't!!!) I'd be too weak to handle the situation I am in. Just like a line from a song, when I fall in love (I hope) it would be forever. Yeah, it might be too cheesy (love, love, love!), too idealistic (one true love…forever?), and too selfish of me but if God could read this, would He let me have the sole thing I want in the whole universe?

...and wait! Would you let me have it, too? Would you help me? I thought the whole universe conspires in helping you achieve what we want. Would you prove that by helping me too? Or would you prove me wrong? So, what would you do?

Im still here ah... waiting.. and you know that..

you are worth it!

2006-07-21T00:06:00.000-07:00

1. Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.

2. Do not set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.

3. Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.

4. Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life

5. Do not give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. It is a fragile thread that binds us to each other.

6. Do not be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

7. Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find.

8. The quickest way to receive love is to give love; The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly.

9. Do not dismiss your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope; To be without hope is to be without purpose.

10. Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going.

11. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.

facing disappointments...

2006-07-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

What is our disappointment may be His appointment for our lives. And what we have to do is we have to just simply recognize that we don't always know the way that God is going to answer our prayers.

But we always need to learn to trust Him because if, in fact, we believe that He knows better than we do about what is good for us and if, in fact, we believe that He will answer a prayer in a way that proves He loves us (And that's always the bottom line.), then disappointment is manageable because we know that even disappointment--not getting our prayers answered the way that we wanted them answered--even that kind of disappointment leads to our good and His glory.

boozed.

2006-05-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

recovered from two parties where the booze was literally flowing and finally went to north after a year of absence. finally ended my summer with nary a scratch.

starring: 30" pizza.

beautiful people.

NFFs.

the drunk birthday boy: justin

random thoughts + quotes

2006-05-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, and the romance in a relationship- and find out you still care for that person.

A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

When the door of happiness closes, another opens but oftentimes we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk way feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you
back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart
but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

There are things you'd love to hear that you will never hear from the person from whom you would like to hear them, but don't be so deaf as not to hear it from the one who says it from his heart.

Never say goodbye, but do learn to let go - and bless from afar.

Love comes to those who still hope although they've been disappointed- to those who still believe- although they've been betrayed - to those who still love although they've been hurt.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone - but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Hope you find the one that makes you smile.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real! Hope you dream of that special someone.

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do the things you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to keep you happy and enough money to buy me gifts.

Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person too.

A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life; a timely word may level stress; a loving word may heal and bless.

The beginning of love is to let those we love be just themselves, and not twist them with our own image - otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

not graduating? nah... its okey..

2006-04-02T00:23:00.000-08:00

"patience is the ability to bear affliction, delay, any interruption with calmness, perseverance and confidence in the goodness of God. It is inward peace as well as outward control. It is the submission of our schedules, our viewpoints, our dreams to the greater plan of God, with the conviction that He has a very good reason for every delay He allows to come our way."

im okey with me not being able to graduate this october, after listening through backtothebible's broadcast on being patient, i have found the ultimate peace of mind. now tomorrow, i have the courage to tell mom about me to finally finish my degree on march, instead of october this year. and gel couldnt be more right when she replied to me, after telling her about my evaluation result, that its's God's will that i wont be graduating on october. and of course, being delayed by one sem means that we'll have an extra semester to spend more time together.. but that's another story.

Lessons from a not-so-ideal graduate

2006-03-29T22:50:00.000-08:00

I am the last person who should be talking about graduation. I didn’t even attend my own.

I saw graduation as a hurdle to get over, an obstacle I had to overcome so I could finally start working full-time for this paper. When that fateful day came, I wore a toga all right, but only to my dinner party. And it was the wrong shade of blue—the shop at Recto had run out of my college’s colors.

Despite my absence from the ceremonies, graduating from the university taught me a few things—some big, some small and some, well, forgettable.

You will miss school. Sure, you’re still in the middle of rejoicing over the fact that you no longer have to face your nasty professor and you’re probably thanking the high heavens because the days of surprise quizzes are over. But when you’re neck-deep in paperwork and are collecting overtime hours as if you can sell them on eBay for a fortune, you will definitely start missing those days when your biggest problem was today’s graded recitation. You know those annoying adults who tell you things like, “Oh I wish I could go back to school” or “I’d rather be a student forever”? Pretty soon, that will become you.

Take a break. You have your entire life to work. And once you start working, you’ll be doing it forever. Or at least until you’re 65. You’ve just spent at least sixteen years of your life in school. Now is the time to take a break. Whether your idea of a timeout is a weekend in Boracay, a month at your grandparents’ place in the province or a full week in your pajamas eating Cheetos and watching DVDs, do it. You deserve it.

Don’t let your course dictate your life. Your parents won the first battle—you hate math but they made you study accounting. You don’t know how you ended taking up dentistry when you can’t imagine staring into people’s mouths for the rest of your life. Here’s a little nugget of wisdom: Your course doesn’t dictate who or what you will become. A friend who took up geodetic engineering is now making a good living in publishing. I know a biology graduate who is now running her own business, a nurse who became a priest, a lawyer who decided to open a restaurant. You future is waiting—and you get to decide what it will be.

The school you graduated from does not determine the quality of your future. There are still small-minded companies that only accept applicants from the supposed top universities but don’t let that stop you. Just because you came from one of the more popular schools doesn’t mean you can rest easy. And it doesn’t matter either if you came from a school that no one else has heard about. It is you, and not your diploma, that will make your future.

Pursue your passion. Life is too short for you to be stuck doing things you really don’t want to be doing. Sure, blessed and few are the people who get to do what they love for a living but you might just turn out to be one of them. You would never know if you don’t try. Whether it’s art, music, sports, writing, food—pursue your passion. Your happiness and success may just depend on it.

Don’t let your college persona determine who you will become. (Unless you really loved who you were in college.) It doesn’t matter if you were the nerd, the dumb jock, the bully or the wallflower. College is over and your new life is beginning. Now is the time for reinvention if you deem it necessary. Think Madonna—but maybe not her cone bra phase. If you were the wallflower, break out of your shell. If you were the bully, try to be nicer. The world is waiting—try to be the best person you can be.

Make good decisions. Remember, the decisions you make after college have real-life consequences. Making a mistake no longer means just being sent to the dean’s office or failing a test. This is the real world we’re talking about.

Work hard but don’t forget to play. Love yourself by learning how to balance your time and your life. Working hard is good but not to the point of burning yourself out. Life may be a race but everyone needs pit stops once in a while. Don’t forget to have fun, adults are allowed that, too.
Handle your money well. Earning your own moolah is a big thrill. And spending it is an even bigger one, especially in a world with iPods and nice shoes and well-stocked malls. But saving a little cash every payday is something you have to do. It may not be fun but the security is worth it.

Create your own adventures. You don’t want to grow up too fast. Find pleasure in the small things, seek thrills from your everyday life, create adventures out of nothing. Organization is necessary in every grownup’s life, but the occasional spontaneity will do you good.

Make a difference. Find a cause, own it and do what you can for it. The world needs you.
Stay in touch with your friends. There is something important about not forgetting the people who knew you when you still had braces, when you were obsessing over that hot senior, when you were scared to death about getting your class cards. They will keep you young. They will keep you grounded.

Don’t stop learning. Say hello to the real world. Now your real education begins.

--
This story was taken from www.inq7.net

lss number one

2006-03-20T09:44:00.000-08:00

alice in chains - no excuses
[download]

it's alright
there comes a time
got no patience to search
for peace of mind
layin' low
want to take it slow
no more hiding or
disguising truths i've sold

everyday it's something
hits me all so cold
find me sittin' by myself
no excuses, then i know

it's okay
had a bad day
hands are bruised from
breaking rocks all day
drained and blue
i bleed for you
you think it's funny, well
you're drowning in it too

everyday it's something
hits me all so cold
find me sittin' by myself
no excuses, then i know

yeah, it's fine
we'll walk down the line
leave our rain, a cold
trade for warm sunshine
you my friend
i will defend
and if we change, well i
love you anyway

everyday it's something
hits me all so cold
find me sittin' by myself
no excuses, then i know

go fsck yourself!

2006-03-14T12:23:00.000-08:00

I don't like emo folk. In fact, I really hate everything that emo symbolises. Just absolutely hate it. I hate everything about it. Instead of moping about your own problems, why not do something about it or move on? wtf?. A significant other leaves you? Get over it. It happens. If your parents hate you, well then, deal with it. Chances are, they don't really hate you. Did your computer break? Fix it. Overstressed? Learn how to deal with your stress. Moping and being all depressed and cutting yourself and suicide are not a healthy, productive way to deal with things, just fyi. Get into arguments with your friends? Try and work it out, or get new friends. Sitting there and complaining about things is not going to fix anything, believe it or not. Talking about things with your friends, or brainstorming strategems with them is fine, but complaining about the same things for years gets nothing accomplished. And the emo music? Lito Camo-composed songs being the worst kind of music ever made, and emo being the second worst, why would mixing them together make it any better? Why do people listen to that shit? I want to punch ever emo band ever made. I'd feel so much better. Now you're entitled to like whatever music you want, just as I'm entitled to loathe whatever music I want! Bottom line, anything emo is teh suxxorz. And if you have a problem with it? Suck. My. Balls. I really don't care. Go whine to someone else. If you want to have a conversation with me, go ahead...but if you get emo or complainy on me, I will loathe you forever. Just like now.

Training

2006-03-14T01:06:00.000-08:00

For the past few days, I'm creating how-tos on modifying some codes on a website. My problem is that, its one of the least enjoyable tasks that I have been doing and im getting impatient on it. Documentation is not my turf, my thesis groupmates would attest to that.. I'd rather code and design than doing that. Anyway, the task is, I've got to list the steps on how I went around my coding, complete with screenshots and all, since it will be another person who will be tinkering around with the development asp scripts.

Months before, when just started working with the company, I was enjoying a newbie-like life. The project manager, which is the Director of Technology, which is the No.2 guy in the company, which is literally my boss, when giving me a new task, would give me a file complete with instructions and how-tos in getting around the task done, yes, that's right, project documentation. (presumably, it was the project manager who was doing the instructions and putting it to ms word), now its my turn to do that, in case there will be someone who will be editing the real mccoy. so, after countless trips to the kitchen to get water, im back here at my desk and feeling enlightened. ive realized that maybe this task is:

somewhat a 'sign' that im gaining the trust of the project manager, since he's delegated some of his tasks to me.
another addition to my resume entry, i can add this to my resume, instead of the usual, "Developed and Designed blah blah website", id be typing, "Created procedure documentation and standard code writing with blah blah website."
a confirmation that POST, which i read somewhere, is very important. POST stands for Project according to Organizational STandards. Literally translated it means that you have to do 70% documentation and 30% coding – so, I really got a taste of the amount of documentation that i will be doing when in production.

I'm beginning to love creating documentations..

bacolod on IT map!

2006-03-03T10:27:00.000-08:00

a google query on the words, bacolod outsourcing turned up good results. currently, there's three call centers that will expand their business here, and another one to follow. thats good, and in addition to that, the SM is currently constructing a mall at the reclamation area... hopefully there'll be more jobs here to prevent the 'migration' of college graduates to either cebu, manila, or even dubai.

a friend, has been recently featured on inq7. its Von Caberte. and if any of you have played, bookworms from yahoo games, its creator, PopCap Games employs Von for the illustrations on the games, one of which is Bonnie's Bookstore.

heard from the grapevine:
An outsourcing company is planning to set up an office at VaST's former location. There's also another manila-based company looking for home-based IT pros -- preferably Bacolod-based... as you all knew, know, or didnt know before, i used to work at VaST for about a year.. here's my 2001 pic at vast, 3:00 AM...

Birthday Realizations..

2006-02-24T22:20:00.000-08:00

im officially 24 years old. damn.

time keeps on slipping...when you are young you never thing about time. young people have all the time in the world. i forever believe that time extends itself one hour just for kids. they can have more fun than I have to get work done. kids never have to worry about anything except running out of ideas for fun and play. on the same token, we as young adults were once like that; but as we got older things changed little by little. as time passed we gradually had a better understanding of sorts of the challenges that were before us in life. we had to learn how to do all those things that we used to rely upon somebody else to do [mother, father, yayas etc...] so here we were trying to do it ourselves. good or bad, the attempt was supposed to benefit us in some manner. to what extent, we weren't real sure.

our lives are focused on things that are supposed to help us in some way. our work is supposed to supports us or our families whatever the case might be. everything we do and say reflects on us as being a beneficial part of society. in many cases we are looked upon with high standards by family, friends, and community. we have to be able to represent whichever area at any given point in time. all of that responsibility can be hard, if not very difficult to handle by most people. the younger you are the harder is to deal with it. i guess it goes to show that with age comes wisdom. yes, the wisdom of the sages. wisdom that used to be surrounded by unimportant facts and details that as a child never was or served any importance to us. so why now? why is it so easy for us to understand? have we finally become the people that used to hold that position? have we finally come to a realization that life is best lived when you are older? i don't know; but the pieces are slowly falling into place. Seems like things you never thought about seem to happen as you age. parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc all begin to pass away. these are the people that you looked up to. these are the people that you remember as being the ones that lifted you up to the sky; played trumpo with; went to an excursion with. these are the people that were supposed to be there for you whenever you needed them. however, somewhere along the line you forgot about the the fact that everybody grows old...even you.

convergence devices sucks

2006-02-18T20:56:00.000-08:00

Been out on the whole saturday afternoon with Ice at robs, there's this new techie boutique from Pos Marketing. My nokia 6100 phone has been dead after countless flights from my PC table to my floor, so I have been window-shopping for phones lately. We chanced upon this sleek orange sony-ericsson walkman phone on the display. mp3 phone with cam. interesting. convergence device. a do-it-all phone. but i have my ipod. my sister's gonna send me an ixus this year. sure it looks up-to-date. people at la salle's gonna stare at me when im fiddling with this gadget. but why bother?

there's been talk of it for years, now - interactive televisions, fridges with internet access, wrist watch PDAs - combining features from multiple services in one device. but the basic problem with convergence is that it is a compromise: you end up with something which does all of the things it is supposed to do, but it does them all less well than a discrete device would.

if you join together a phone, a PDA and an MP3 player you end up with something which does none of these things well: you have a thing which is too big to be a cool phone, too small to be an effective PDA, has too many buttons to be a usable MP3 player, and has too short a battery life to be used for long as any of these things.

it's like a multi-tool or pen knife with too many tools in it: the knife blade is too short to be useful, the scissors are too fiddly to cut for long, and the screwdrivers can't be used for any screw which has been screwed in properly because there's no leverage and the neck keeps bending. Yes, these tools are useful in an emergency, but for day to day use you need an actual toolkit.

the convergence devices are not intended as emergency items, but the features incorporated are just as stunted as the novelty saw in a multi-blade pen knife.

i can't help but think about those huge bloated applicatoin suites that contain more features than anyone can ever use but which run like a long swim in molasses because all of the unwanted feature code gets in the way of the stuff you actually need. my preference is for much smaller programs which plug together any way you want; they all work well on their own, and none of them get in the way of the others.

is there a way around this, to make convergence devices actually usable for all of their features?

i don't know, but until portable power and UI technologies improve to a point where a convergence device isn't just the worst features of all the things it's trying to be, I will be keeping my devices separate.

im bringing my busted unit to C2K. I will add kapatid's 2nd album into my ipod through iTunes. I will wait for the digicam package from abroad.

im keeping my PhP18,000 in the bank instead.

Rain, Beer and Sex

2006-02-12T11:02:00.000-08:00

Ahh...no better combination to top off a rather supendous week(even if I do say so myself).

I haven't been spending as much time infront of this computer, which must mean I'm finally getting a life (god forbid).

Yes, under that veil of techie-like knowledge hides a guy who is really quite shy and abit unsure of himself. I come across quite confronting and sarcastic to some people, yet others think I'm sweet and innocent, depending on their perspective.

The truth is, I am a rebel at heart. Yes the style of music im listening to and the fighting spirit say it all.I don't mean to talk myself up at all, but yeah, I guess I'm also abit arrogant.

Just waiting for someone to pull me down a peg or two. Don't think I'll ever meet such a person though. Thought I met one about a year and a half ago, but that turned out to be a goat pellet liquifying in the rain. (incubus' beware! criminal playing in the background)

Don't get me wrong. When I say I want to meet people, I genuinely do. I mean really meet people. And I don't believe in rendezvous or affairs or dates or flings either. I'm practically one-woman-man so you can scrap that idea before it takes graphic form in your delusional little mind. I'm not some those archetype bacolod boinoys looking for abit of action on the side. Just would like to meet someone, a female, that thinks the way I do.

I would say I'm extremely happy but I'm not. Life is not an easy thing. Anyone who tells you it is has to be bullshitting. I'm sure theres more to this asthetic world than meets the eye, and that both excites and disturbs me.

Some people assume that because I do rock at programming and have an impressive web design portfolio and won the best thesis that I have it made. I kid you not, its taken me ages to get to where I am now. Hours of studying, years upon teenage years of self loathing and then finally "getting it" and working with it. Yes I'm smart. I know this. Don't bother to tell me because you're only feeding my supercharged ego.

Some people assume that because I like doing photoshop that im a "computer guy". Tsk.

Give me something that is a radically new concept. Throw it at me, and watch me struggle to embrace it.

Though I might struggle, I will enjoy the challenge.

Nevermind me. Just my subliminal backlog rambling at the moment. It craves release in some form or another. If it found it's way into my dreams I'm sure it would drive me insane. Oh, maybe thats whats happened to me. Would explain alot, I guess.

Anyway, I have said my piece. If you are a similiar person to myself, please say yours.

happy new year!

2006-01-04T18:49:00.000-08:00

Well what do you know its another year. I'm happy that I got a chance to live this long and I thank God that I've have the things that I have. You know seeing some host on TV looking 'tow up from the flow up' because he had had that stroke. I realize that life is precious. And i just wanted to thank God that I've lived through 2005 and I'm living to 2006. I know that this is my Graduation year lol so I'm glad I getting a chance to see it. Its weird that you look on your life and you know you've been living for like it seems like a billion years but its only 23. But I look back and reflect on what I did and I don't regret it because I wouldn't be where I am today. Anyway I'm just glad to see the new year in my final days of youth (as a student). lol listen to me sounding all old. hahahahahaha anyway I'm just glad to be alive and I was just talking about college with my mom and I got to thinking that DANG this is my last days of youth and I'm going to miss it. I going to miss everybody when I do go but such is life you know. Ol' well I don't mind I've had fun in my years of glory. It's time for me to step up and be a man. Yes I said it BE A MAN for some of those who don't think I am. But yeah i have to grow up and do things that I have to be responsible for. Its a trip we all must take. And is time to take mine. Anyway just thought I ought to update. See yah!

23

2005-12-22T22:16:00.000-08:00

I have a song by The Cure stuck in my head... *shudder*

"But it's much too late" you say
"For doing this now
We should have done it then"
Well it just goes to show
How wrong you can be
And how you really should know
That it's never too late
To get up and go...

flock testing...

2005-12-07T11:47:00.000-08:00

this post was made through flock.

its a wonderful life

2005-12-03T19:53:00.000-08:00

i have been so busy with school over the last few months, i hadn't really had the time to stop and appreciate everything that was going on around me.

as i am nearing the end of my undergraduate degree, hey, im gonna graduate next october!!! ive been thinking alot about the future and also success. i think that one of the keys to a bright future is to balance personal success with generosity.

i read some work by max weber the other day that struck me as odd. he wrote about how capitalism came about through the religion of protestantism. the prostestants' believed that any man who was successful was so because God had smiled down upon him.

"success is the noblest gift of heaven" - euripides

with his wealth however came a responsibility not to spend that wealth on himself, but to give it away. buying luxeries for oneself was not what God had intended when bestowing wealth upon someone. so the wealthy decided to take the money earned and give some away to others, and take the rest and invest it back into their company. this was the roots of capitalism. so capitalism was built not upon greed, but generosity. This is far from what we know capitalism to be today.

i think much can be taken from this. while i don't agree that wealth should not be spent on the person who makes it, i do think that we should balance what we spend on ourselves, and what we give to others. i think it is ok to buy yourself the things you like to make you happy. in my case, im getting a new PC this christmas for myself. people work hard for their money, and deserve the luxuries it brings. but they should also do their part in helping others, because they have been blessed with everything given to them. each of us has the responsibility to do what we can to help others. so why then are there so many people who dont?

perhaps it is because there are so many people in this world that need help from others that we get overwhelmed, and don't know where to start. however, sitting back and doing nothing only adds to the problem. i think the key is to not let it overwhelm you. as some tv host would always say, "do what you can do"

in that spirit, i decided to do something which i think fits perfectly in the holiday season. im allotting an amount for our church's future site.

no more monday blues!

2005-11-19T12:25:00.000-08:00

i didnt attend my nstp class. instead worked on the tcs.edu.ph site. which has been finished. drew did the nice layout and i was left to do the guestbook and the alumni section of the website, which will ill be paid by bob on monday, and monday also means ill be getting my first paycheck from my aussie job. monday also means that it will be the start of my gym sessions. monday will be the deadline of my IME2 project which almost cost me my job at biko. i did the project on my office hours and boss was left questioning me as to why my work was delayed at day. lols.

monday.
lunes.
20k richer.

the ballpen

2005-11-17T20:23:00.000-08:00

I learned a little lesson from a ballpen while riding a jeep.

No, I didn’t get enlightened by my notes, I don’t keep one, or of some doodles from a fellow passenger on the way to school.

I was on a jeep en route to school one Thursday afternoon. As the jeep sped along Talisay going to Bacolod, I realized that I would be reaching La Salle in more or less 20 minutes. So I decided to check my belongings: cellphone, ID, etc…

But just when I thought I put the ID back to my pocket, the pen dropped to the floor.

This is where the fun begins.

First it rolled towards the feet of the man seated in front of me. Tried reaching for it without disturbing the other passenger but inasmuch as my arm was long and skinny, the pen kept rolling away from my reach. Obviously the fact that the jeep was moving didn’t make my life any easier.

I squatted and stretched but to no avail.

Chest heaving from the exertion and getting increasingly irritated, I finally got the guts to inform the conductor in front of me of my dilemma. He bent over and tried to locate the item but alas, the thing rolled further towards the seats nearing the front of the bus.

I crashed back into my seat groaning inwardly at the absurdity of it all. Frustration welling up inside me, I started to think that heck, it’s just a P20 ballpen, give it up. Sure, it may be my only piece of pen but then I could buy myself another one if I wanted to. Why all the fuss? Forget it. Don’t let your day be spoiled on the account of a singular thing.

Breathing deeply, I was clearing my mind and convincing myself that giving up that friggin’ Pilot ballpen for lost was the right thing to do. Even tried to think of when I’d be able to replace the thing.

Then practicality (that thing costs almost 20 bucks. 20 bucks could buy me an instant coffee and 4 sticks of Marlboro Lights), sentimentality (Hey, I’ve been using this for more than a month now!), and I don’t know what else hit me. You could still look for it you know—if you really wanted to. If you think it’s worth anything to you, you’d try to find it. Dear God. An attack of conscience over a ballpen..

So there I was again, dunking my head, peering under seats. Thank God for this sleppy Thursday afternoon commuting—not too many passengers were onboard. Ignoring the funny looks borne out of my seat switching, I made my way to the seats on the second row shy of the frontseat of the Cebro jeep. I figured that since the ballpen was heading in that direction, I might as well overtake it and intercept it.

I looked beneath the seat to see the feet of a couple seated a few rows back, a few candy wrappers here, some cigarette butts there and more floor space. What I could no longer see was a small, black pen.

It was gone.

Straightening up, I sank back into my seat and sighed. The loss of the object finally dawned upon me, and regret started to seep into my consciousness. Perhaps if I didn’t give up too soon, I might’ve stood a chance in finding it. Even the thought of buying a new one didn’t make me feel any better. I don’t have enough time for that because I’m late for a major subject class.

Oh well.

We were now on the highway along Robinson’s Place and fast approaching North Drive. Breathing deeply, I cleared my mind and convinced myself that there was nothing else I can do. It was worth the effort but it was too late. It may have been a singular material thing but it served me well and it will be missed.

The vehicle came to a stop at San Agustin and a few people got off. My stop was next. As I prepared my things, the couple seated a few seats behind me moved to alight the vehicle as well. I watched them go past me and out the stairs. Then a thought struck me. In a burst of inspiration I got up and quickly walked towards the back of the bus till I got to the seat the couple recently vacated. Then I looked down.

There on the floor of the bus was my pen.

----

Sometimes in frustration, we can walk away from something good—not realizing how much it really means to us. We take some things for granted, thinking that we won’t miss them if we lose them, thinking that they’re replaceable. Dispensable.

But then we do lose them and realize how wrong we were.

I could’ve let that thing go if I wanted to. In fact I already decided to do so… to simply get down from the bus and not look back.

But then I realized that I couldn’t just give up without a proverbial fight and so I put up one last search.

It happens that sometimes when we’re on the verge of losing something, we make a final effort to save or salvage whatever we can. Of course, we could either succeed or fail in doing so.

At times, we can’t help but wonder if our success relies on how hard we work at it or whether or not fate, destiny, or if God would deem it so.

All I know is, I’d rather give it one last shot. To fight for it and hopefully win or die trying… rather than just let it go, knowing full well that I could’ve done something.

Who’d have thought I’d learn so much from an encounter with an inanimate object?

Life can be the weirdest but funniest teacher sometimes.

cool illusion!!

2005-11-15T07:12:00.000-08:00

If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot, you will only see one color, pink. If you stare at the black + in the center, the moving dot turns to green. Now, concentrate on the black + in the center of the picture. After a short period of time, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will only see a green dot rotating if you're lucky! It's amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear. This should be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see.

eat your greens!

2005-11-06T23:48:00.000-08:00

So...

Last Friday...I never did actually go to bed.

Instead I lay down and slept a couple of times, sleeping more than enough, just not in that I-went-to-bed-and-got-a-good-night's-sleep kind of way. I'm not sure why, really, I did that. Sometimes I just like to time travel, prolonging or skipping a day or the like. I dont know what happened after the Cafe Bobs incident.

Saturday...I had a couple of weird dreams. In one, I met Karl Roy, kapatid's vocalist, btw, their upcoming second album will be out soon, its called 'Luha'.. second assault on your sonic senses.., so continue to the dream, we were back stage, they have this concert kuno at la salle covered court..,and there we were, making small talk and i asked him if he have some kapatid shirts for sale with him, he just sort of smirked towards me and handed me a bunch of buddha beads and proceeded to remove the buddha beads from his arms ( those beads were given to him by cynthia alexander).. and moments later, went back to the stage to continue their gig and left me dumbfounded.

In another dream I was in high school again and totally berated a teacher of mine for some reason I can't recall now. Also the class was being held in my back yard. It was a teacher I really didn't get along with all that well in real life, but man, I'm not sure why my dreams want me to be yelling at her now!

Other than this, between last night and today I've managed to procure some DVD... the notebook, cinderella story and i am sam.. had watched the first two movies when they were shown at robs. just watched it for 'reminiscing sake'. and the i am sam is one cool movie.... made me cry....on to next..

I mean, continue! Because I've already started. It's all attitude.

Apart from this, I don't guess there's anything much to report. I very much need to go find some food, now, its 11:09 pm, and I'm hoping the second part (which on the audio CD is actually the first part) of the norah jones album that ive sent to my boss finishes uploading soon; not because it's a bother, but so I'll know that it's really gone through successfully.

I miss someone a lot. I'm not going to say more, and I'm going to try to refrain from saying this much most days. That won't make it less true, but I know that I do need to try not to be...er, effusive about expressing it too much here. And so try I shall: I'm going to resolve not to say it in tomorrow's entry here.

All in all, lots of good thoughts and not one bad one; and yes, I say that in all candor. Well, I do feel I went a little overboard castigating my former teacher in that one dream... But in all fairness to me, she was kind of a bitch.

...Well. Maybe "regret" is, um, a strong word.

(Crazy island place and its unnatural condiments! Plus everyone knows florets aren't noodles. Seriously, wth?!)

:D

Ok ok ok, gonna eat now. Then...bed? Man, my sleep is so messed up right now...and so is my life! better check out my status at friendster if you know what i mean..

Hey! The upload just finished as this entry did. Howsaboutthat?

if you want to know yourself, try solitude

2005-10-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

i just realized that living a life of seclusion is also good, but just not the extremes, you can discover lots of stuff about yourself when you withdraw yourself from other people. there'd be no judgements, influences and whatever.

and you could do so much stuff that you can't do when your with people who'll nag you about it. kinda bummed that i can't find a something to download. ive been waiting for incubus' alive at red rocks on azureus since this afternoon to finish its downloading. its 1.36GB, and 8 hours left to 100%.

the reason is that im currently into may 'new' thing right now, the solitude part, stupid, is that she went to manila for her vacation and ive got this cool webdev job and im working at home! its four hours a day and its more than enough to pay bills. -- which is a good thing because going to bacolod is like a 'much-anticipated' event. lol. which reminds me i have to go there tomorrow for the required caffeine overload session with friends.

oh please comment. hehe at least ive got to know there's some bloke whose actually reading my blog.

long live crass commericalism!!

2005-10-22T09:47:00.000-07:00

stumbled this upon my school's website. maybe this is the institution's response to those students who are fond of making cuts to their tuition payment, i wouldnt deny, i once did that too, much to the wrath of my mother.. but the whole point is this, why does la salle have to include the logo of globe g-cash prominently? and actually make a banner ad for that? why not have an alternative for smart users? (by the way, i use a globe sim). and why doest la salle develop a home-brewed sms-based payment system rather than rely on these marketing ploys by telecom companies? and also, lasalle has smart's wireless laboratory man, but why globe? maybe since globe is more elite than smart (pang masa ang smart eh). that's why they opted to use globe g-cash? basta this looks ugly on the website, its unconciously saying that education in la salle is becoming more and more of a negosyo. and man, i doubt if globe g-cash is pays la salle for the banner ad in the website.

read on! spent 2 hours writing this one!

2005-10-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

After night swimming with friends, spent the most of last night with a pile of DVDs and the computer.

Insert. Play. Skip. Eject.

Basically repeated this for about 10 DVDs...I know - that's nothing compared to what most people have but it WAS a tiresome effort at the most. I was checking through my entire DVD collection to see which ones I could play on the computer (using VLC) and I found out that all the "copies" could play...whilst all the "reals" COULDN'T......grr....annoying but thankfully I have very few "reals" besides my-much-loved-boxsets. Hmph! I get this message:

TheTV Out port of your display card is not working properly.

Maybe I'm technically challenged but I don't understand what that means...is it just that the DVDs won't play? Or am I doing something wrong? I tried googling the message which came up with suggestions on how to fix it....that I pretty much didn't understand besides the word FORMAT which kinda freaked me out... VLC supposed to be the most advanced player -- any format could be played through this player.

Besides that I'm pretty happy...So I installed PowerDVD... and I finally downloaded a DVD ripper so I can start ripping clips off the movies I have...starting to develop and interest in vidding. And I worked out that there's a Capture function on PowerDVD (ha...I'm slow) so I'll soon be screencapturing like crazy from now on.

I'm starting to feel really restless at home. I haven't opened up Photoshop since my IME graphics project was due back in early September (except that certain thesis design for a friend). It's been like a WHOLE MONTH...hopefully I haven't forgotten how to 'wield' the application over this time. But I guess I just don't feel like conjuring up graphics much these days....time consuming and feeling unchallenged/uninterested. And I guess there's also that certain fear whenever I draw...that my graphics will turn out looking like complete crap - which is discouraging. So I'm dealing by avoiding it right now. Plus photoshop and vidding has taken up a lot of my time recently....but I PROMISE I'll do some wallpapers soon. Absolutely! Just gotta find SOMETHING to draw first...

Can't wait til the end of the year - this TIME, my issues will hopefully be eliminated. I have a list of things I will do after the 2005 when I'll hopefully finally have the time for:

- Draw a ton of portraits (fanart and people I know)....maybe a self portrait one day.

- Learn to play the guitar again...so those 5 years of lessons will not go to waste.

- Still have a job. Ill be starting a graphics job from biko technologies tomorrow. 4hours/day.

- Dedicate more time to my much neglected sites...in need of major revampage.

- Download more DivX movies.

- Get a sport.

I've been blogging for about 3 months now. On and Off.

I'm starting to wonder - do people actually read over the old entries of their journals/blogs? Or is the purpose of the journal just to write down your thoughts - to vent...not really to store memories or anything? Do I read over old entries? No...not purposely - sometimes I'll go back to look for something and I'll start reading because something catches my eye. But other than that - the past is pretty much the past for me. Maybe one day when I'm old and nostalgic - I'll actually read over everything I've read....

I never thought having a journal (even an online public one) would be so theraputic. It's surprising - how much of a relief just writing stuff down can be...helps me think about things and laugh about others. Things that are upsetting or sad that I write about - I can just type away for an hour or so....and then DELETE it. Then it's "gone" in a certain sense. Exorcism!

Does having it public make me hold back? Yes. Usually I can vague it up quite a bit and talk about it in a universal sense. I have to say my entries are usually upbeat and happy. There's a few entries which are stressed and VERY few where I am just downright depressed. I have to say though - sometimes writing about sad things just makes you sadder! It's not like they say - that when you talk to others about your problems, you'll feel better. That's not true in all situations...sometimes things are better left buried away in your subconscious - because it's when you start writing/talking about it that you start to THINK about it - start to OVERANALYZE everything about it...which basically makes you even more sad/worried than you were before.

In that case all I can say is: Let's dig a hole, bury it deep back inside and just MOVE ON.

I wonder how long all of this will last. Maybe one day the Internet [or blogger.com and google.com's clustered servers in particular] will just crash and everything will be lost. All these entries will be deleted. Or maybe one day I'll just stop updating...and this will be forgotten like the millions of deserted sites/blogs out there. I wonder how many of those deserted blogs were just forgotten...and how many of those, the writers have actually died. I know this is getting morbid but it's really making me wonder. I mean - how long has blogging been around? Of those deserted blogs floating around in space....how many are the last thoughts of the person?

It's like finding someone's journal where they're writing about the greatest thing and then suddenly you turn the page and there's NOTHING.

What happened? Why did they stop writing? These are the things which claw away at our curiousity. And will anyone ever know? If the story ended RIGHT here, RIGHT now....would you wonder? Would you care? Or would this just be another forgotten, deserted part of the world? You'll just ASSUME I lost interest in blogging...that I gave up and went onto something else, new and shiny.

I don't care.

I need some closure. If this ever dies - trust me, I'll TELL you. I'll write in size 72 font: THIS BLOG IS CLOSED. There will be no vague hiatus or BRBs that last over two years. It will be a farewell that pretty much says - thanks for the times but I'm leaving and so should you.

Of couse, in the event of an unexpected death - I give permission for someone to hack into my account and just write one closing post: THIS BLOGGER IS DEAD. FAREWELL. Then this blog can rest in peace.

typical-bacolod-blogger-esque post

2005-10-10T22:29:00.000-07:00

just had the real celebration of our successful defense yesterday + shereen's birthday celebration at krua thai and later in the afternoon, at dunkin's silay. shereen and his brother spent spent the rest of the sleepy sunday afternoon at my room and watched finding nemo. haha first post with personal pix! and no, im not gonna turn into those blogs with food pix...haha bato2x sa langit!

[clockwise: muddy, she, me, vany, leo at krua thai]
[dunkin's silay]
[silay city park]

finally done!

2005-10-05T06:39:00.000-07:00

back to experimentation and stuff and normal life! thesis is finally finished. after 3 months of working, now it was consummated. i have a little adjusting to be done because im not used to not doing anything anymore. have to make up with friends, all those wala-ko-kadayon-kay-sako-sa-thesis is no more. oh great the feeling is! hahaha just got wind of the news that the unanimous nomination of the 3 panelists -- trespi, BSCS dean, rodney, jrs systems admin and sonny boy taleon, lasalle csl admin -- made history as being the first thesis project that got nominated by the 3 panelists, usually its either 2-panelists out of 3 who'll gonna nominate a group..etc... bragging rights lang ah...

trip sa memory lane

2005-09-11T12:31:00.000-07:00

it was a blast seeing old friends last night for our traditional booze session last night since it was talisay city's minuluan festival. as usual, same venue, at carmela at one of our friend's house. after year's of non-existence, there was arman, who is a batch ahead of us in highschool, thing is, he's anthony's office mate at honda cars -- and that's why we found him; nonoy jay-r, our batch's secret weapon -- last year's petron art contest awardee for his sculpture -- 2nd year at arfien. nilo -- kicked out on our second year at highschool -- but now a PRC board passer for education; and of course, the host, hapon -- engineer. and me -- undergraduate. the whole time was spent recalling our (mis)adventures -- nilo stealing the vulcaseal to cover his rugby doze, talking about the babes in highschool, those classmates na may bata na. puta no, dugay na ta gali nag alamiguhay. pila na? 11 years? damo ta na agyan. tawa lang gd last night, panuya, dayun, tapos ang sa kay mary ann na nobyo na dako2x lawas na gin-pangalanan ta na johnny bravo. pero hugot kuno gyapon c mary ann? michelle aldana to ya ang dyamoks daan sang hayskul ta!
3:00 am -- went to a friend's kiosk near the talisay plaza. booooooooze! dala ang dinuguan na sumsuman ah.. part c jang2x man to hu? hahaha jan michael coronica - guitar prodigy, bebong morales (c wesley ka ya gyapon ah!) - slayeeeeer!, randy conman -- puga ga tukar kamo ya gyapon ya no?? kag nag intra kamo ya sa battle!! next week pa balaring ta!!
remember this?? http://www.geocities.com/barkadashit

left to right:
ting2x: manila na
hapon: ari d gyapon. ara kami sa balay nila
toi: manila na man
jay-r: ara sa sugar valley
ako: lasal gyapon
jang2x: ga tukar gyapon
maxcel: ato sa cebu

down to 13 days

2005-09-06T17:52:00.000-07:00

we're the 5th group in our presentation. im in the process of making the administration modules. its the first time that i felt that im gonna beat the deadline. (ive set it to be this saturday) had this nifty javascript+css hack. spent 2 days of my life trying to get it to work. its still buggy though. i dont know why it crashes at a certain line in the script especially when i get to set the script to display >4 rows, it returns something like memory failure. but the report works so far, its like looking at a ms explorer interface. or an excel spreadsheet with movable columns for data and all. demo.
went on a drinking spree last night with friends at bodega [warehouse kuno kung sa mga feeling classy kag pa sosyal na naga kadto to..] and later, to draft. playing was jasper and his band, called barbie na doll. they play purely OPM covers and sometimes craftily interjects it with parts from foriegn songs.. mayonnaise's jopay then mixed with simple plan's perfect then bob marley's stir it up and then back to jopay. the band's funny without being corny. barbie almabis was also there too, i dont know what's she's doing here at bacolod.. "barbie with barbie na doll"..hahaha she played only one song: 'the dance' -- which is what ronnie and i requested. got home around three. feeling psyched to continue the work again.

why morning coffee is the best

2005-08-30T10:30:00.000-07:00

everyday for the past 2 years, i wake up and go to jaja's and have my first doze of caffeine. that more or less within an hour after i get up from my bed and go back refreshed and psyched up after that. the coffee costs only Php 5.00 and can rival the one served at bacolod's top coffee shops. only one shop can match jaja's flavor: burgos street's la corona.. but that's another story. at jaja, its there where i usually get to plan out my day's activities. have some deep thinking. going there is like routine for me. most of the waitresses know what to serve me: 1 'laban' -- thats how they call the mocha-like coffee and 2 sticks of marlboro. i stumbled upon this article that says that coffee could be a health drink. wow. great. well, study showed the same about alcohol. but it doesn't mean getting drunk every day is a healthy thing to do, as is maintaining a caffeïne addiction. moderation in things is key i believe. i just know that quitting the whole coffee-addiction had benefits for me personally. try going to cafe bob's, bo's cafe..the current craze of coffee in bacolod has coffee-drinking purists blurt out: people perceive coffee drinking as socializing. drinking coffee would be like another night out at some exclusive bars. its like youre 'in' if youre drinking coffee. tsk tsk tsk. posers.

sql lesson

2005-08-30T02:02:00.000-07:00

i havent got to get ultra-edit working. i dont know what happened, it was working this afternoon but now, hours later, i wouldnt go beyond the starting dialog box of the application. tried moving the folder into a different drive, un-installing + reinstalling... it just wouldnt work! m$ must have figured out how to delay my project again. so im going back to allaire homesite, my ex-text editor..anyway, have this sql query on my shipping module:

SELECT * FROM transactions_temp
INNER JOIN users
ON transactions_temp.userid = users.userid
INNER JOIN locations
ON transactions_temp.locationid = locations.locationid
INNER JOIN services
ON transactions_temp.serviceid = services.serviceid
INNER JOIN packages
ON transactions_temp.send_packageid = packages.packageid
INNER JOIN rates
ON transactions_temp.send_packageid = rates.packageid
ORDER BY trans_tempid DESC LIMIT 1

when i had created the database schema, i had two identical tables, transactions and transactions_temp, whom i added without thinking., days later i was wondering why i inserted all the shipment data into transactions_temp and not to the transactions window? why did i create two identical tables? i guess by now its all clear because, ill be using ONLY the transactions_temp table for the shipment, all the data will be passed there temporarily, and after the user clicks 'DONE', all the data will be duplicated into the transactions table, and the row in the temporary table will be deleted. it has something to do with that sql query. because when i typed directly the url, ...user_home.php?print_label, it shows the query result of the last entry in the temp table. that disaster could be solved by copying the row from transactions_temp table into the transactions table. it would show up as null. first its a workaround, second it would be more secure. only at the last part of the shipping module, the transactions table would be used, as opposed to transactions_temp.. and the latter gets cleaned up after every successful display of the package label.

having coffee at this early morning. will be going downstairs for a smoke. (mom's here with me)

labels are up!

2005-08-29T16:10:00.000-07:00

used gd instead of fpdf. with regards to some issues regarding the printing, solved it using css, no need for links from the page for printer friendly pages. so it printed. the package label, complete with barcodes. its just waiting for the package in which to be stuck into. next problem: have to update the costing that the package will be needing a thermal printer since its the best printer for printing documents with barcodes.

problem: home-based users dont have a thermal printer, to think most of them dont have a laser printer or something costly printer. me included.
solution: users, have to make the label online, if they have a thermal printer, they can have it printed into a laser paper, but if they dont have, they can have it printed into their nearest jrs store when they get to send their package. problem solved? i dont know. maybe.

under the same rain...

2005-01-30T20:09:00.000-08:00

You're back to catching raindrops again. To each one a name, and there is one you are dying to find, but how? For each one is a possibility, a chance dividing infinitely in all directions every second.
Running barefoot, it doesn't matter, nobody can see you. Cry, only to find out it won't matter, either, the rain will drown your tears anyway. Release your pain in one solid cry and it won't matter still, the wind will only eat up your screams. Run barefoot and it won't matter at all – your soul is on its knees.

Run for cover and light a cigarette – now that's refuge. You can rest for a few minutes before you start running alone again.

But I have been here all these times.

This shouldn't have been your life, if only you allowed me to hold you one last time.

To each one a name, each one a possibility, another chance, but you cannot see that, never. For I have been always a few steps behind, following, dying with you every step of the way. If only you'd look back.

******

I'm back to catching raindrops again. To each one a name, but your name I can't seem to find. How could I? You are just a name, a face, a single drop among all others, and the possibility divides infinitely in every direction, every second.

I run barefoot, but it doesn't matter, for nobody can see me. I cry only to find out I cry alone, and it won't matter if the sky will cry with me; it can only cry this much, never enough to comfort me. I shout in pain and it won't matter even, because I can't hear myself as the wind carries away my voice almost instantly. And the cold it brings I can't even feel, for I am colder inside. I run alone, because there is no reason to stay in one place. It is raining.

But... have you been there all these times?

This shouldn't have been my life, chasing raindrops forever, if only you tried to hold on to me tighter, even for that one last time...

Chasing raindrops, to each a name, a chance, so elusive I can never find it. I can never see you. I am as blind as my heart, and being blind I can only face forward, forever forward, no sense looking back. Have you always been a few steps behind, following? I cannot know it, never. If only you'd reach for me and call my name.

2005-01-16T18:14:00.000-08:00

a shaded eye but you uncovered my view.
a drowning soul and you put me back to shore.
a scathed being healing in your hands.
weakened but gaining strength in you.

***

hey, i used to like hoobastank too. back in the days of crawling in the dark and running away. haha. these days i’d rather listen to hendrix, pinikpikan, or kapatid. and i prefer kapatid over bamboo, though they have the same guitarist and bassist: ira cruz and nathan azarcon. and their songs make me so sad, since i remember chico, the other guitarist, who just passed away.

this is for the band who made me believe in our own music again.
and to chico, the guy who made good music with the band.

kapatid's the prayer

if i ever see you face to face again
i’d ask you why, so soon
and in your grand debut from death, reborn again
for life i pray

i hate to see you haunting
or in your private hell
i hope you make it
this prayer’s for you
this prayer’s for you.

oh wax and wicker, that burn throughout the night
the light you shine, makes me smile
you are the candle, that turns the darkness back
extinguished fire

i hate to see you haunting
or in your private hell
i hope you make it
this prayer's for you
this prayer's for you.

***

2005-01-12T16:09:00.000-08:00

i dont understand how people can talk on the phone for hours. one of my close guy friends bragged that he once spoke to this hot chick for thirteen hours straight. and i was like, 'yuga mo eh... what do you talk about? your life from pre-school to college?' i can comprehend one hour of teasing someone, maybe three hours of fighting with your girlfriend or soon to be ex, but thirteen hours on the bloody telephone? this girl musta been talking about sex every hour on the hour. that's the only possible scenario I can imagine.

---

marvel ink-drawn chicks are hot. an ongoing question thats been bugging me for the last 2 hours is… am i the only one who gets turned on by looking at emma frost and rouge? i feel a little guilty about this sometimes but what can i do, hormones are hormones.

i am the 'i' in the small letter 'i'

2005-01-05T20:08:00.000-08:00

i don't know who to blame but because i'm tired of blaming myself, i chose to point in another direction--away from me. i blame my parents for being me--afraid of expressing what i feel when the circumstance is there. i grew up knowing that brave people never cry in public. i grew up knowing that crying is a sign of defeat of weakness…of being a failure. and because of this, i never really appreciated the meaning of 'feeling and showing for others'. and i hate myself for being so.

i thought pretending not to feel anything is the safest defense mode in the world.

i was wrong. i feel shit inside.

am i that stellar?

2004-12-02T20:10:00.000-08:00

it occurred to me again, this time in the middle of procrastinating against studying for a quiz in my major subject tomorrow. i kept you safe within the remote areas of my consciousness, but suddenly, as if driven by an unknown force, your memory unearths itself, returning some sort of unfinished business. consequently, i pause from studying and i start thinking about you. [as always eh... dapansit...]

and it always left me a touch of sadness.

as far as i was concerned, i made it a point not to think about you anymore, at least not that often as i used to, in the form of preoccupation. there’s a lot of projects to do, friends to spend time and energy with, family affairs, webdesign.. . there’s even a new object of affection in the rough. works for the most part, i should say. within the confines of my room with bunch of reader's digests before me, there is forgetting.

just like the manner by which ice cubes freeze bacteria within their crystal networks. as long as they remain frozen, everything’s safe. there is no need to worry.

but somehow, you still manage to permeate my system, as if it were an expertise or a tediously-learned skill. moment by moment, you profusely enter my mind, filling my awareness with lost memories of once-upon-a-times and whatnots. Remembrances of nightly walks, lunch outs, text messages others. of yesterday’s seemingly unbreakable promises and proclamations of forever.

i should’ve put into mind what an old friend once wrote, ‘forever is not real’.

i have always yearned to understand what had happened between us. us won’t even suffice: it was never a real relationship to begin with. we just hung out and talked and spent time together more often than we did with our other friends and colleagues. sometimes it pained me that i could not do anything in my power to make you speak about us. certainly, the ambiguity was present, the ambiguity which you never wanted to clarify.

i could only let you go on with whatever it was that you desired, whether it be ranting about your insecurities, rejoicing over happier news or lamenting about your eventful past. on the other side, i remained silent in the middle of your hyped-up emotion. i was like a child with beaming eyes, eager to hear more stories of how you came about to be the person that you are. for you once told me that listening to you gave you strength to go on, and so i did. i have always wanted you to be okay.

yet when it was my turn to be heard, the silence was a void. i suspended my disbelief when i convinced myself that you always meant well, whenever you apologized for there was nothing you can do about my bouts of depression, or when you simplify things by saying that everything will be alright. i know i should not expect things from other people; perhaps i was at fault when i wanted more from you when you can only give so little.

and just like that, you vanished, very much like a soap bubble floating across air. i have watched you in complete awe, wonder and even fascination. and similar to any ethereal fleeting moment, you were gone, leaving me clueless as to whether you even existed in the first place.

so maybe what we had was love. maybe i loved you, and i hope to heavens that you loved me back: even just for a split second when we held hands, or during that moment when i looked into your eyes, or the time when I laughed at one of your silly quirks. id be content with that idea, id be content that in the course of our friendship, there was a moment of mutuality; even if it was so quick i never noticed it all.

perhaps i still do love you, but that wont do much now. i can fight to save everything that ive invested, but i chose not to. i have treasured you in the past, and that will be enough. right now, all i can do is wish you well in all your endeavors, including the pursuit for the one who is right for you. when you find him, i wish he makes you happy. you make him happy as well.

the end is only a beginning disguised as a parting. i will still think about you every now and then, probably be sad once in a while, but you need not to worry. for i am okay and i will be okay under all circumstances. it may take time for me to love again, but in the long run, it will be all worth it. i may still risk myself, but every risk in its own respect is worth taking anyway. love is such a convoluted mixture of emotions and decisions that it’s a matter of working your way through it.

thank you for gracing my life like a whirlwind, leaving me breathless and hurt, inspired and furious, affectionate and listless. uve taught me quite a lot and i learned them in the most humbling manner. thank you for showing me what it means to be human, to commit mistakes, and to discover how to regain yourself after everything that had happened.

like what i always say, ad astra per aspera. a rough road leads to the stars. im on my way to becoming stellar.

strangers again

2004-10-19T22:18:00.000-07:00

Everything seems the same. And yet nothing really was. For when I look at her now, it’s only her I see.
Unlike before, when I look at her, I see it all --- the dreams behind the smile, the thoughts that bring out the laughter, the memories that prompts her to gesture.

She’s become a stranger. More a stranger than when I first met her.

There she stands, my best friend. But she’s not mine anymore.

2004-10-03T04:04:00.000-07:00

Why do I love her?

Tough question. I don't even know how or where to begin. I'm not sure if I could possibly find the right words to express what or how much I feel for her, let alone explain why I love her. I don't believe the English language has all the words I would need.

Why do I love her?

I guess I just do. I love her just because. I love her just because that's the most natural and possible thing to do.

I love her.

I love her because she's the most incredible, wonderful, amazing and fantastic woman I have ever known in my entire life. I love her because she's sweet, charming, smart, witty, and has a great sense of humor. I love her because she's so cool she's hot.
I love her because she makes me smile. I love her because she makes me laugh. I love her because she makes me happy. I love her because she's the one and only girl who has ever made it through my wall and seen right through my mask. I love her because she accepts the real me, imperfections and all, and still appreciates me for who I am.

I love her for being my friend. I love her because I could be whatever I want to be in front of her. I love her because we could talk about anything and everything under the sun.
I love her because I feel safe when I am with her. I love her because we are comfortable with each other. I love her for giving me a helping hand when I had to pick myself up, but couldn't. I love her for offering her shoulder for me to lean on to when I had to be strong, but wasn't.

I love her for telling me not to drink too much alcohol, then pretending to be mad at me when I did drink too much. I love her for telling me not to stay up too late at night because it wasn't good for my health. I love her for texting and sending me sweet and mushy messages. I love her for those times when she would text me just when I was thinking of calling or texting her, when I was feeling down, or when I was missing her, like she has gone psychic all of a sudden.

I love her for the kilig moments we had. I love her for always making me feel better, about myself and life in general. I love her for making me feel special. I love her for making me feel loved. But most of all, I love her for making me feel. I love her for making me realize that I am capable of feeling this way and this much for someone. I love her for making me feel alive.
So, why do I love her?

I love her because she's all of these and more. So much more. I love her because she's everything. She's everything...

-ber

2004-09-21T19:13:00.001-07:00

i'm hearing christmas songs. and this pathetic interpretation of the names of the months ending with -ber is the sole culprit.

correct me if i'm wrong but i think the reason why september to december ends with -ber is because the old calendar had ten months and sept-, oct-, nov-, and dec- are numerical prefixes preceding the latin word for month which sounds like "ber." but because a certain idiot fucked up the calendar by making it a 12-month year and naming the first two-thirds after roman gods and rulers, the calendar ended up having 4 months ending with -ber. and i'm quite sure, it's not because that crazy monk who re-arranged the calendar (baskog ka trip ya ba!) thought that christmas season should start this early.

i don't wanna sound here like the grinch but man, i think it's bullshit for prices to begin rise just because it's now a month ending with -ber. and you have all those ghosts and monsters on november and i can't seem to figure out how this -ber season works. is the christmas season suspended during halloween? i mean, you can't have santa claus and jack the ripper dancing together. they're just so incompatible. or that flying sleigh alongside that old lady on a broom (unless you're italian. i think they have a witch called la befana instead of santa claus). and you have all those stars and balls in one shelf and some ugly pumpkin and skeletal system in the other.you now have this 100-day countdown and duh, some jose mari chan christmas hits in the airwaves.

and this country, fooled by some enterprising moron who wanted to open shop early.

Secret Admirer

2004-09-08T22:05:00.000-07:00

Your classmate- let’s call her Lady Jock, since she’s so into sports- walks you to your car. You both animatedly discuss different ways of killing Ma’am P’s dog. ‘How ‘bout feeding it poison while Ma’am’s scribbling something on the board?’ You were in themiddle of suggesting, when you spot Tanya, your bestfriend, as she excitedly runs towards you.

‘Nicole! Come here! Hurry!’ She drags you to the direction of your car.

‘Reaaaallllly cuuuute huh?’ she gushes.

You stare in surprise at the long-stemmed pink rose carefully threaded into the windshield wiper. You exhale a breathless ‘oh’, all the while turning around, hoping against hope that you would catch a glimpse of whoever had placed it there.

‘My best fwend’s got herself an admirer!’ Tanya gleefully declares.

Lady Jock, (er, let’s call her LJ instead) merely nudges you in the ribs, grinning.

‘Way to go Cole,’ She playfully quirks an eyebrow.

‘Hrmmm.’ You’re still looking around you, thoughtfully nitpicking your brain for possible candidates.

‘Brian? Nah, can’t be… he’s not the type. As forRamon… hell, no way…’ You furrow your brow while brainstorming.

And then you see him.

You’ve had your eye on him ever since you’ve been pitted against each other in a casual classroom debate. Tagged as one of the campus’s best debaters,he had looked you over and dismissed you with an airy grin. Naturally you got all infuriated. Naturally you vowed to win. And win you did.

You can’t get over how adorable he looked when he flashed you that dimple as he gracefully accepted defeat. And being not of the demure, faint-hearted mold, you showed him your dimple in return.

‘He’s now an official Super Crush.’ You had announced to Tanya.

And now here he is, smiling unabashedly at you, his long legs bringing him closer with every stride.

‘An admirer eh?' His eyes tease you as they peep between the strands of hair hanging over his forehead.

You shrug. ‘Maybe he got the wrong car.’

He raises an eyebrow. ‘No chance of that. I bet he’ll give you another flower or something. Just you wait.’He waggles a finger at you, then walks away.

True enough, little notes and more roses found their way to your car. One time, in the middle of a lecture, you went out of the classroom and wandered outside to smoke. When you got back, a sheet of pochacco stickers was clipped between the pages of your notebook. You look around in amazement. You catch SC’s eyes, and hepositively twinkles at you. You look down, absentmindedly unsticking a badminton-playing pochacco from the glossy sheet. LJ, who sits right beside you,whispers, ‘How cute.’ You turn to her. ‘Did you see who had placed this inside my notes?’ She looks puzzled. ‘Nah,’ She shakes her head. ‘ I went out too. Call of nature.’ She taps her pack of Marlboros.‘Looked for you pa gani.'

Sportsfest came and went, and your academic group emerged as the champion. There are the usual love notes during the victory party. You are carefully balancing a food-laden Styrofoam container on your knees, when you hear one of the emcees say your name.

'Ooh, how ‘bout this one? For Nicolette, you look likea porcelain Chinese doll. You’re simply adorable. Can we talk later?’ Jill purses her lips, pretending to be scandalized, and the room erupts with guffaws and‘uuuuuuuuyys’. You look around for SC, and when you finally do spot him, you see him giving you the thumbsup sign, while mouthing what looks like ‘way to go!’.

You sidle up to SC, and proceed to spend the rest of the night with him. With all the noise and wild partying going on around you, nobody notices that you two are on the verge of making out.

'Aren’t you with someone?’ You ask him coyly, your lips grazing his ear. ‘I’m with you.’ His hands are stealthily snaking to your butt. You try to shake him out of his drunken daze. ‘Don’t you have a girlfriend?’

‘No.’ Your ears are sore from all his nibbling.

'Well, do you at least like someone then?’ You plaintively fish, hoping that he would finally admit to being… well, your secret admirer.

‘Hmm. Curiosity kills the cat. Here kitty kitty.'

Ugh. You push him away. You watch him teeter for a moment, then laughingly collapse into the arms of the group huddling right beside you.

So this is his idea of romantic talk! You spot LJ shuffling towards you, and you vent your frustration out at her. ‘Why can’t he just admit it?! All I wantis to hear it from his own lips! WHY CAN’T HE JUSTFREAKING TELL ME?! Haaaay… it’ll be so much easier that way.’ You shake your head resignedly.

‘Um, Cole,’

‘What?’ You puff on your cigarette, still steaming inside. You look at LJ’s bowed head as she fidgets, her hands clasping then unclasping. When will this girl ever learn to relax, you wonder. She’s always so nervous… now especially. even with the chill in the air, her upper lip is dotted with small beads of sweat. You stare at her fingers in fascination as they proceeded to wring each other.

'Uh, Cole?’ there goes that hesitant tone again.

'Hmmm?'

‘Um, see, he wasn’t the one who sent those notes and roses…’

You look up, and this time, your eyes meet hers. You have never seen a gaze filled with such longing, with such hunger.

‘We can’t talk with all these people around us.’ She mutters. ‘Wanna go somewhere more private?’ She looks at your mouth, then licks her lips.

You feel as if your dainty toes have taken root. Oh god, please no

i missed you

2004-08-30T07:08:00.000-07:00

i missed you today.
i missed your smile.
i missed your eyes.
i missed your face.
i missed your voice .
i missed your presence the whole day

i never knew how much i missed
seeing you even for a while
or hearing your voice
or just having you around
knowing that you're near me,
until today.

not seeing you for a while kept me at my feet,
but later, i didn't have the energy to move.
it felt like something was missing
and that was you.
actually, it's more like empty
coz you fill such a big space
in my heart and my whole being
that your absence made my sadness echo inside of me.

i don't know where you were
or what you did.
i just know that i missed you.
but then again,
became to realize
that missing you for a day
is better than missing you for a lifetime.
for having met you
saved me from such a big loss,
not knowing how much i'm missing.
i bet it would be like
living in a vacuum
without even realizing.

wishful thinking

2004-08-28T21:07:00.000-07:00

"I have faith that someday I would meet someone who would be sure that I am the one."
-Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & The City

wla ko kabalo kng paano ni nag sugod ang shado ka gamo na sitwasyon. hmmm 1st sem SY2003 sang nag klalahay ta. yawan ko padalman kng paano gd ta abi nag klalahay. abi ko suplada ka. aloof ko ya. kag nde ko gets kng paano ta ka na-crush. d ta ka ya type ya. basta sng ulihi lang pag bugtaw ko na 'ah, crush ta ka'. amo mn to ang adlaw na daw nag close ta. too close na kay abi to sng klala ta kita na kuno.

fast forward to the present. lapit na lng september. after like mga pla ka bulan -- exchanging countless e-mails, sending friendly and mushy text messages, numerous gimiks, watching concerts, kag kng ano pa da, ari pa man ta d gyapon. friends. biskan na may pla na ka instances na dutayan ko lng i cross ang fine line between frienship and love, friends ta gyapon

Friends. Nothing more, nothing less. kabalo ko hambalon sng iban: "At least friends kamo." Yeah, I know. At least friends ta. I should be happy, right? dapat lang. guro. tani. ambot. kung kis-a galing d ko maimbitar na mag pamangkot sng mga what-ifs.

ambot lng gd. nagamuhan ko sng sitwasyon ta b mo... kung kis-a, there are times when I would be so sure na gusto mo man ko. hahaha dapansit assuming ba! tapos ma lain naman huyop sng hangin kag i wouldn't be so sure about anything anymore. napanumduman ko before gani na i pamangkot ko na lng sa imo kng ano gd ta na duwa galing na hadlok ko. basi in doing so, I would push you away. teh d ko gusto madula ka sa life ko, so la ko na lng gn padayun...

tani ma-realize mo na kung ano ka ka-special sa life ko. tani ma realize mo kng ano ta ka ka plangga. hamba ni carrie bradshaw: "I have faith that someday I would meet someone who would be sure that I am the one." hambal ko man: "I have faith that someday we would meet again and when that time comes, we would both be sure that we are the one for each other." tani ma realize mo na ikaw ang para sa akon.kag tni kng maabot na ang amo na tion, plangga ta ka.

2004-08-24T21:30:00.000-07:00

got this from a friendster bulletin...

love hurts... its really hurts!, but the hurt is not endless. Remember that time is the ultimate healer. After a few weeks the sharp pains turn into a dull ache, and after a few months you will hopefully be able to take a step back and realistically assess benefits gained from it. You can use this time alone wisely for introspection and spiritual development; understand your role in the failure of the relationship and vow to do things differently next time. Make plans for your future, do things you enjoy, or become productive and take care of other matters that need your time and attention.

how true...

To say the L word is suicide, or does it have to be?!?!

2004-08-21T17:36:00.000-07:00

A lot of us have undergone, and lots will still undergo, the agony in deciding whether or not to declare our undying affection to someone. But most of us just endure the torture of being silent and suppressing the truth. Why the choice? Telling the truth is not as virtuous as most religions would have wanted us to believe, if by virtuous we mean to say it is naturally and inherently good that is . Truth hurts. Reality bites. Haven't we heard enough? I guess we haven't, and we seem to have this addiction of dwelling in pain. How have we become so masochistic? Perhaps it is when religion implicitly taught us to equate virtue with pain and vice with pleasure.

We are human beings, and perhaps emotional pain, besides logic, is something that separates us from the rest of the kingdom animalia. Like what Agent Smith said in The Matrix, human beings couldn't handle sweet perfection (which was the original model of the Matrix world that later on failed) because we define our reality through suffering and misery, and anything less than that, anything remotely close to perfection, our sanity cannot manage. So inspite of our complaints, we feel that pain is a natural condition of life. But the tricky part that I recently learned is that no matter how much we, perhaps unwittingly, embrace suffering we'd rather choose to hurt ourselves than let others hurt us, even if the former is frequently more intoxicating and debilitating than the latter.

When we love, romantically speaking, we rarely choose to declare our love because we know doing so would make us vulnerable. It is wrong to open ourselves out to someone who could take our emotions away, just to wrestle with them only to later on throw them away. We'd rather choose to suffer in silence. Most of the time, this option is extremely melancholy, worse than the fear of rejection or deliberate deception, and it seems only natural that a person would prefer this option. Why? because it's personal, because self-inflicted pain is more acceptable than one that is externally inflicted. Why? because that's how we embrace life. Besides, misery should not seek company; misery should be taken care of without it.

I find the act of confessing our undying love similar to suicide, and I know a lot of people will agree with me on this. This is not because our honesty would necessarily cost us our dear lives, but more because of the idea of the act being irreversible. In suicide, if we succeed, we can't say, "whoops, I didn't mean to cut my wrist and loose a huge amount of blood", or cry "I'm sorry, I didn't know jumping off the 40th floor would crash my skull and make my brain splatter on the ground," or wail "Whoa, so walking in front of a very fast-moving vehicle would be fatal, I have to tell the others, I have to live." We can't shout apologies, and say sorry can we come back to life now? When we kill ourselves, we die.

Confessing our love would be quite similar, although not as gory as it sounds. Confession obviously uses words, and when words fly we cannot catch 'em. Once we say, "I love you," we really can't take it back by saying, "pati ah!" or "jowk-jowk-jowk!!" Well, we could say some can get away withit, and I have to agree only if the object of desire has an IQ of 60. The thing is, once we utter words of devotion, we just have to face the consequences, and most of the time, I have to say we are terrified of the consequences. Although the chances could go either way, I mean it could either cause our heart to jump for joy or for it to flounder in pain, we only rivet our attention on the latter possibility. The only way that we think we could avoid exacerbating the agony would be by convincing ourselves that our hearts will never jump for joy, otherwise we might get our hopes up and by doing so would only worsen our condition in case floundering in pain is the possibility that ensues. Defense mechanism my friends, that's what it is.

And in my case, there is that awful stage where I almost hope for the plausibility of her knowing how I feel about her, that maybe I don't have to confess and that I only have to affirm whatever assumption she has of me. That's when I hate her the most. I have the audacity to hope that she might discover it for herself. But whenever I think I am giving her the liberty to assume, it seems her density level goes beyond any scientific formula could ever compute.

I have to ask, why then should I let her in? Why should I share this suffering, this burden? Why should I utter the words "I love you", when this would mean I will end up joining those herds of romantic crooks who have misused and abused the phrase, they've trivialized it so much it no longer bears the meaning of pure and genuine affection. I'm too good for that, I won't give in. Between suffering in silence and losing my life in honesty, I would choose the safer one, I would rather keep my mouth sealed.

But what difference does it make, I still suffer, I still writhe in despair. In the end, I want something to hold on to. I want to be proven wrong, tell me to choose the other option.

To say the L word is suicide, or does it have to be?!?!

2004-08-21T13:36:00.000-07:00

bar

2004-08-20T06:33:00.000-07:00

saturday last week, i went to a place where people, as social beings, usually hang out during weekends. hanging-out typically includes cruising, and staring at strangers, with almost everyone wanting to prove that at the end of the day, human beings are sexual beings.

i haven’t gone out for a long time, (besides the night before concert by south border), and I was kind of excited about it. But when I got there, I got peeved by the enormity of the crowd. I’ve always had this deficiency in social (and moral) fiber, it’s inborn, I can’t help it. It’s weird, I so wanted to go, but then the moment I got to the place, I was disappointed.

It’s like most intimate relationships, most people want to be in one, and when they do, they wonder why they asked for it in the first place. Then, they’re forced to stay because they feel that that’s the decent thing to do.

Grrr. People don’t mean anything anymore, they’re doing everything out of convenience.

I’m raising both my hands, I’m guilty of the same crime.